You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Prostate Cancer Seen As Major Cause of Prostate Cancer Deaths
Oct 30, 2009, 09:22
LONDON - A study has determined that men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer are nearly twenty-five times as likely to die from the disease as men who are prostate-cancer free. This conclusion was reached after a team of researchers had carefully recorded the causes of death of more than 300,000 men.
Among the subjects in Group P, which consisted solely of individuals diagnosed with prostate cancer, nearly 90 percent died from the disease. Among the individuals in Group N, which consisted solely of individuals who had not been diagnosed with prostate cancer, only two percent died from the disease.
According to Trevor Wellsley, MB BCHir, "These results confirm what we have long suspected: prostate cancer is the leading cause of death among men with prostate cancer."
Mr. Wellsley, the chief investigator in the study, reported that researchers had been stymied in the past by a small but statistically significant number of men who were discovered to have prostate cancer after they had died in automobile smashups, domestic disputes, or other life-ending events.
"This lead us to hypothesize that prostate cancer might not be, after all, a death sentence," said Mr. Wellsley. "We began to suspect there might be a link between prostate cancer and careless driving or, perhaps, between prostate cancer and domestic violence; but those avenues of investigation lead us up dead-end streets, as it were."
Mr. Wellsley said it was too early to speculate why two percent of the subjects in Group N, whose members had all been pronounced cancer-free, died from prostate cancer anyway.
"Off the top of my head," he observed, "those findings may indicate a particularly virulent form of the disease, or they might be the result of a statistical anomaly or the research team's unfamiliarity with the new Windows Vista operating system.
"There can be no doubt, however," he concluded, "that prostate cancer needs to be taken seriously by persons who have it."
In related news, a new study linking prostate cancer to multivitamin consumption has been criticized for failing to differentiate between men who take multivitamins orally and those who take them rectally.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
