You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Duke University Lacrosse Scandal Featured on Celebrity Tours
May 20, 2006, 09:05
DURHAM, N.C. - In order to capitalize on the Duke University lacrosse team scandal, GoldLine Tours of Hollywood, in conjunction with Duke University, is offering guided bus tours that focus on notorious sites in the Durham area related to the allegations of rape against several team members.
University president, Richard H. Brodhead, explained that a steady influx of tourists and curiosity seekers prompted him to contact the tour bus company in hopes of benefiting at least financially from hoards of onlookers in the university area.
"My wife and I had just returned from L.A. and I remembered how much we enjoyed the tour of celebrity homes," said Brodhead. "I figured this would be a great opportunity to generate some much-needed revenue for the lacrosse team."
For $29.95 each ($15.95 for children under twelve), sightseers can board luxury buses at various hotels in Durham and embark on an exciting ninety-minute tour of locations associated with the rape investigation. The buses pass by notorious sites such as the lacrosse practice field, the ATM machine that Reade Seligmann used after the alleged incident, and the emergency room where the exotic dancer/university student sought treatment.
Highlights of the tour include photo ops in front of Colin Finnerty's dormitory and the infamous house at 610 N. Buchanan Boulevard, where the alleged rape took place. The tour is followed by a picnic lunch (cost included in the ticket price) on the lacrosse practice field, unused since the season was cancelled because of the allegations.
Excited tourists throng around 610 N. Buchanan Boulevard, where the alleged rape took place.
"I can't believe we're really here!" exclaimed one tourist, Mindy Feingold, who drove eight hours with her husband, David, and their two children from White Plains, New York. "It looks just like it did on television."
"We were going to take the kids to see their uncle's name on the Viet Nam Memorial in Washington," said David Feingold. "But, historically, this is much more significant."
His children concurred.
"It was fun, Daddy," they said in unison.
Feingold playfully ruffled his son's hair.
"And Jonathan here says he wants to play lacrosse next year. Doncha, slugger!"
"The tourist response has been phenomenal," reported Brodhead. "It's going to be a real money-maker—much more than the lacrosse team ever was."
Owing to the huge influx of tourists, Six Flags Corporation CEO, Mark Shapiro, has indicated an interest in opening a large theme park in the Durham area.
"The tourist season hasn't even begun yet, and the head counts look pretty impressive," said Shapiro. "Interest in the Duke rape scandal could certainly give [nearby] Busch Gardens a run for their money."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
