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Numbers Don't Lie
Blacks as % of University of Misouri Student Body . . . 7
Source: Mizzou Diversity

Jews as % of U.S. Population . . . 2.2
Source: Jewish Virtual Library

Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals as % of U.S. Population . . . 2.3
Source: NHIS data in the Washington Post

Muslims as % of U.S. Population . . . 2.1
Source: Muslim Population

Persons with Celiac disease as % of U.S. population: 1
Source: Food Republic

Persons who follow a gluten-free diet, despite not having celiac, as a % of U.S. population: 3
Source: National Foundation for Celiac Awareness

Percent of these people who are deluding themselves: 100
Source: The Pug Bus

Official Carly Fiorina
C-Bomb Counter™
The Donald was right: Who could vote for that mug? Imagine seeing that cowpie with eyes on the front page of your newspaper in the morning. The only thing worse would be seeing that cowpie with eyes in your bed in the morning. She's a two-bagger, for sure. She's also a devout foe of the word cunt, though she gives every appearance of being one.Indeed,a source close to the Fiorina campaign revealed recently that if old grumblemug gets elected, she'll make the use of that word in any public space a felony. Thus we feel obliged to introduce the Official Carly Fiorina C-Bomb Counter, which reports the number of times the C-Bomb has been used any place in America since you landed on this page. (Figures do not include uses by Donald Trump, who calls women cunts all the time.)

The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive. Visit The Grammar Prick

Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . -1-  -2-

Free the Music
wipe out the riaa printed ona roll of toilet paperStrike a blow for freedom. Download music on the down low today. You can't beat the price. Get the skinny at Zeropaid.

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Mary Kay Letourneau Wedding Skipped by Queen
May 22, 2005 - 7:38
an image
WOODINVILLE, Wash. - Queen Elizabeth issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that she did not attend the wedding of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau because she feared her presence would turn the ceremony into a media curiosity. Many royal watchers interpreted the queen's absence as a snub to the couple because the queen is thought to be opposed to relations between teachers and their students.

The queen's statement insists, however, that her absence was motivated by nothing more than a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, the queen's opposition to teacher-student relationships does not necessarily extend to teachers who marry their students.

Despite the queen's absence—and the absence of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and other celebrities who had received invitations—the wedding went on Friday night at the Columbia Winery in Woodinville, Washington, a Seattle suburb. According to "Entertainment Tonight," which owns the rights to the wedding and other personal details of the couple's lives, the bride was nearly two hours late for the ceremony, scheduled to start at 8:30.

"Mary Kay was distraught," said an "ET" spokesperson, "because none of the dozens of celebrities she had invited to her wedding elected to attend. She kept hoping that somebody famous would show up to lend credibility to what she was about to do. Finally, just after 10:00 p.m., she decided to proceed to the glowing-white wedding tent even though we had just received word that David Hasselhoff had checked into a local hotel under an assumed name."

According to "ET," the bride wore a Carolina Herrera white satin jumper, a high-fashion replica of the outfit she wore on her first date with Fualaau, a visit to a Chuck E. Cheese. The groom was "boyish-looking" in a Calvin Klein re-creation of the OshKosh B'Gosh play suit he had worn his first day in Letourneau's second-grade class.

Although the couple had met when Fualaau was eight years old, "ET" noted in the souvenir wedding program given to each of the three hundred guests who did attend the nuptials, "they thought it best to wait until Fualaau had mastered decimals and cursive writing before they started dating. Four years later, in the summer of 1996, they knew it was time to consummate their love."

That decision eventually cost Letourneau six months in prison. Her decision to continue seeing Fualaau after her release, despite a court order forbidding her to do so, cost her seven additional years in jail and her teacher certification. She was released last August.

During the twelve-minute wedding ceremony the bride and groom held hands and read wedding vows, which they themselves had written, after fishing them awkwardly out of their pockets with their free hands. Just before the vows were read, the six groomsmen raised small cartons of chocolate milk aloft and toasted the couple. Then the vows were read.

"You have walked with me through puberty, I will walk with you through menopause," said Fualaau, 21.

"You are in my heart and in my lesson plans forever," answered Letourneau, 43.

Following the ceremony the couple and their guests repaired to the reception hall next to the wedding tent. The hall was decorated like an elementary school classroom. The guests sat at tables of eight, which contained boxes of crayons and large white place mats on which the guests were encouraged to write or to draw.

The menu for the reception included an open pizza bar followed by a sit down dinner of Salisbury steak, french fries, and creamed corn. Dessert consisted of hot fudge sundaes and a slice of Snickers bar wedding cake. The winery, in return for being allowed to place its logo on the bride's and groom's wedding outfits, provided complimentary glasses of a twelve-year-old merlot that one guest described as "surprisingly large bodied and virile for its age."

Because Letourneau had anticipated a significant celebrity presence at her wedding, the event was surrounded by much secrecy. Invitations simply contained an 800 number, a user name, and a password. Guests were instructed to phone that number, using a touch-tone phone, and to key in their user names and passwords. They received a call the morning of the wedding, telling them where to meet the buses that would shuttle them to the ceremony.

Guests were required to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to be strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were confiscated, and guests' hands were stamped with an image of a venus fly trap. Guests were advised that if they left the wedding or the reception hall, they would not be readmitted. All vendors were required to close fifteen minutes before the ceremony began.

In related news, Audrey Fualaau, 8, the daughter of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, attended the wedding with her second-grade teacher. Audrey told "ET" that the she and the teacher are "just friends."

If you liked this one, please tell a friend. Didn't like it? Tell a cop, your minister, the FCC, the NSA, or the HMFIC down at the American Family Association.

© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked. Have a secular day.


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The Fuck It List
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Shit to Give Up Before You Die
♠ Religion
♠ Voting
♠ Seat Belts
♠ Paying for Music and Movies
♠ Sending Holiday Cards
♠ Funerals
♠ Pissing Indoors All the Time
♠ Paying Attention to Stop Signs
♠ Going to Bed Before Midnight
♠ Standing for the National
      Anthem At Sporting Events
♠ Not Parking in Handicapped
      Parking Spaces

There's a Saint for That
image of a saint, name unknownThere's a saint for that, whatever "that" might be. Just click where it hurts you to find out which board-certified saint to call. Breast Implants, burn marks from the grill,, hemorrhoids, and more.

The Pug Bus Interview
phil maggitti smoking a joint, isn't that shocking now?Smoke 'em if you got 'em, then enjoy the interviews nobody else has the balls to do. We're not just blowing smoke. Our fearless interviewer isn't afraid to stop totally at the surface.Read on.

Shortcuts to Good Karma
yin-yang symbolShit happens, but good karma is no accident. You can appear worthy even when you're being a dick if you learn to avoid the mistakes that others have made.Read on.

Sites for Sore Eyes
image of tj eckleburg's eyes from the great gatsby

American Atheists—we've even got our own television station now; great source for material pertaining to the war against Christianity, Christmas, and Jesus H. Christ himself
GNAA—the "G" stands for "Gay," you're on your own with the rest
High Times—wanna know what Super Silver Haze is selling for?
Pirate Bay—indefatigible, unsinkable, and attitude out the ass; still the one-stop shoplifting stop
SHUN Magazine—The Journal of Contemporary Shame Culture, (Full Fucking Disclosure: I, Phil Maggitti, your editor in briefs at the Pug Bus, have recently begun contributing under an assumed name to this slap in the pubes to everything that's worth shaming about the American dystopia)
Soulseek—no spoofs, no lurkers, just good clean music files for free
Spectrum Labs—need to pass a piss test?
Vaults of Erowid—before you drop it, chop it, snort it, or vape it, consult the druggie's bible; your brain with thank you for the effort
BTGuard—great VPN service, it's the one that we here at the Pug Bus use, don't go digital shoplifting on your computer without it