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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Mary Kay Letourneau Wedding Skipped by Queen May 22, 2005 - 7:38
WOODINVILLE, Wash. - Queen Elizabeth issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that she did not attend the wedding of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau because she feared her presence would turn the ceremony into a media curiosity. Many royal watchers interpreted the queen's absence as a snub to the couple because the queen is thought to be opposed to relations between teachers and their students.
The queen's statement insists, however, that her absence was motivated by nothing more than a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, the queen's opposition to teacher-student relationships does not necessarily extend to teachers who marry their students.
Despite the queen's absence—and the absence of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and other celebrities who had received invitations—the wedding went on Friday night at the Columbia Winery in Woodinville, Washington, a Seattle suburb. According to "Entertainment Tonight," which owns the rights to the wedding and other personal details of the couple's lives, the bride was nearly two hours late for the ceremony, scheduled to start at 8:30.
"Mary Kay was distraught," said an "ET" spokesperson, "because none of the dozens of celebrities she had invited to her wedding elected to attend. She kept hoping that somebody famous would show up to lend credibility to what she was about to do. Finally, just after 10:00 p.m., she decided to proceed to the glowing-white wedding tent even though we had just received word that David Hasselhoff had checked into a local hotel under an assumed name."
According to "ET," the bride wore a Carolina Herrera white satin jumper, a high-fashion replica of the outfit she wore on her first date with Fualaau, a visit to a Chuck E. Cheese. The groom was "boyish-looking" in a Calvin Klein re-creation of the OshKosh B'Gosh play suit he had worn his first day in Letourneau's second-grade class.
Although the couple had met when Fualaau was eight years old, "ET" noted in the souvenir wedding program given to each of the three hundred guests who did attend the nuptials, "they thought it best to wait until Fualaau had mastered decimals and cursive writing before they started dating. Four years later, in the summer of 1996, they knew it was time to consummate their love."
That decision eventually cost Letourneau six months in prison. Her decision to continue seeing Fualaau after her release, despite a court order forbidding her to do so, cost her seven additional years in jail and her teacher certification. She was released last August.
During the twelve-minute wedding ceremony the bride and groom held hands and read wedding vows, which they themselves had written, after fishing them awkwardly out of their pockets with their free hands. Just before the vows were read, the six groomsmen raised small cartons of chocolate milk aloft and toasted the couple. Then the vows were read.
"You have walked with me through puberty, I will walk with you through menopause," said Fualaau, 21.
"You are in my heart and in my lesson plans forever," answered Letourneau, 43.
Following the ceremony the couple and their guests repaired to the reception hall next to the wedding tent. The hall was decorated like an elementary school classroom. The guests sat at tables of eight, which contained boxes of crayons and large white place mats on which the guests were encouraged to write or to draw.
The menu for the reception included an open pizza bar followed by a sit down dinner of Salisbury steak, french fries, and creamed corn. Dessert consisted of hot fudge sundaes and a slice of Snickers bar wedding cake. The winery, in return for being allowed to place its logo on the bride's and groom's wedding outfits, provided complimentary glasses of a twelve-year-old merlot that one guest described as "surprisingly large bodied and virile for its age."
Because Letourneau had anticipated a significant celebrity presence at her wedding, the event was surrounded by much secrecy. Invitations simply contained an 800 number, a user name, and a password. Guests were instructed to phone that number, using a touch-tone phone, and to key in their user names and passwords. They received a call the morning of the wedding, telling them where to meet the buses that would shuttle them to the ceremony.
Guests were required to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to be strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were confiscated, and guests' hands were stamped with an image of a venus fly trap. Guests were advised that if they left the wedding or the reception hall, they would not be readmitted. All vendors were required to close fifteen minutes before the ceremony began.
In related news, Audrey Fualaau, 8, the daughter of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, attended the wedding with her second-grade teacher. Audrey told "ET" that the she and the teacher are "just friends."
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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