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Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Mary Kay Letourneau Wedding Skipped by Queen May 22, 2005 - 7:38
WOODINVILLE, Wash. - Queen Elizabeth issued a brief press release yesterday explaining that she did not attend the wedding of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau because she feared her presence would turn the ceremony into a media curiosity. Many royal watchers interpreted the queen's absence as a snub to the couple because the queen is thought to be opposed to relations between teachers and their students.
The queen's statement insists, however, that her absence was motivated by nothing more than a desire not to infringe on the couple's privacy. In addition, the statement noted, the queen's opposition to teacher-student relationships does not necessarily extend to teachers who marry their students.
Despite the queen's absence—and the absence of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and other celebrities who had received invitations—the wedding went on Friday night at the Columbia Winery in Woodinville, Washington, a Seattle suburb. According to "Entertainment Tonight," which owns the rights to the wedding and other personal details of the couple's lives, the bride was nearly two hours late for the ceremony, scheduled to start at 8:30.
"Mary Kay was distraught," said an "ET" spokesperson, "because none of the dozens of celebrities she had invited to her wedding elected to attend. She kept hoping that somebody famous would show up to lend credibility to what she was about to do. Finally, just after 10:00 p.m., she decided to proceed to the glowing-white wedding tent even though we had just received word that David Hasselhoff had checked into a local hotel under an assumed name."
According to "ET," the bride wore a Carolina Herrera white satin jumper, a high-fashion replica of the outfit she wore on her first date with Fualaau, a visit to a Chuck E. Cheese. The groom was "boyish-looking" in a Calvin Klein re-creation of the OshKosh B'Gosh play suit he had worn his first day in Letourneau's second-grade class.
Although the couple had met when Fualaau was eight years old, "ET" noted in the souvenir wedding program given to each of the three hundred guests who did attend the nuptials, "they thought it best to wait until Fualaau had mastered decimals and cursive writing before they started dating. Four years later, in the summer of 1996, they knew it was time to consummate their love."
That decision eventually cost Letourneau six months in prison. Her decision to continue seeing Fualaau after her release, despite a court order forbidding her to do so, cost her seven additional years in jail and her teacher certification. She was released last August.
During the twelve-minute wedding ceremony the bride and groom held hands and read wedding vows, which they themselves had written, after fishing them awkwardly out of their pockets with their free hands. Just before the vows were read, the six groomsmen raised small cartons of chocolate milk aloft and toasted the couple. Then the vows were read.
"You have walked with me through puberty, I will walk with you through menopause," said Fualaau, 21.
"You are in my heart and in my lesson plans forever," answered Letourneau, 43.
Following the ceremony the couple and their guests repaired to the reception hall next to the wedding tent. The hall was decorated like an elementary school classroom. The guests sat at tables of eight, which contained boxes of crayons and large white place mats on which the guests were encouraged to write or to draw.
The menu for the reception included an open pizza bar followed by a sit down dinner of Salisbury steak, french fries, and creamed corn. Dessert consisted of hot fudge sundaes and a slice of Snickers bar wedding cake. The winery, in return for being allowed to place its logo on the bride's and groom's wedding outfits, provided complimentary glasses of a twelve-year-old merlot that one guest described as "surprisingly large bodied and virile for its age."
Because Letourneau had anticipated a significant celebrity presence at her wedding, the event was surrounded by much secrecy. Invitations simply contained an 800 number, a user name, and a password. Guests were instructed to phone that number, using a touch-tone phone, and to key in their user names and passwords. They received a call the morning of the wedding, telling them where to meet the buses that would shuttle them to the ceremony.
Guests were required to arrive two hours prior to the ceremony in order to be strip searched. Cell phones and cameras were confiscated, and guests' hands were stamped with an image of a venus fly trap. Guests were advised that if they left the wedding or the reception hall, they would not be readmitted. All vendors were required to close fifteen minutes before the ceremony began.
In related news, Audrey Fualaau, 8, the daughter of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, attended the wedding with her second-grade teacher. Audrey told "ET" that the she and the teacher are "just friends."
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).