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New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation
May 25, 2005, 07:27
SAN ANTONIO - Johnson & Johnson, makers of No More Tears, electrified the proceedings of the American Urological Association yesterday by announcing the development of a drug that stops premature ejaculation in its tracks. That drug, dapoxetine, is made from the root of the Rabbit's Foot cactus, a small, rapidly developing plant that grows wild in the desert near Quick, Arizona.
"Between 10 and 30 per cent of all men suffer the embarrassment and frustration of premature ejaculation," said Richard Longwell, M.D., chairman of the Department of Urologic Surgery at the University of Minnesota. "Dapoxetine puts an end to their frustration—and by extension that of their sexual partners."
Premature ejaculation, as measured by the American Medical Association's Dictionary of Sexual Dysfunction, occurs within two minutes of the onset of sexual intercourse. Mature ejaculation, by comparison, occurs more than seven minutes following penile introduction.
According to Dr. Longwell, dapoxetine, which is also known as rabbitrol, not only delays orgasm but also increases reported sexual satisfaction. In a clinical trial in which 2,614 premature ejaculators between the ages of eighteen and seventy-seven happily participated, the percentage of men rating control over ejaculation as "OK to awesome" increased from 2.5 per cent before taking rabbitrol to 51.8 per cent after taking it. Dr. Longwell also noted that rabbitrol was equally effective in delaying orgasm in men who prefer self sex.
Among men who practice sex with other people, the percentage of their partners who reported feeling satisfied by sex increased from 25 per cent without rabbitrol to 47 per cent with it.
Premature ejaculation—politely referred to as "irreconcilable differences" in many divorce suits—is thought to be responsible for nearly half the divorces in the United States. Thus, the potential social benefits of this wonder drug are considerable. Furthermore, says Dr. Longwell, it's fast-acting while producing few side-effects.
"It gets in rapidly; it gets out rapidly—in the bloodstream, that is," said Dr. Longwell. "And the only side effects we've noticed thus far are an exaggerated self-esteem, an inclination to brag, and a tendency to grossly overreport estimates of the passage of time."
Dr. Longwell recommended taking rabbitrol one to three hours before intercourse, with or without food. Moderate alcohol consumption, described by Dr. Longwell as "enough booze to get her to say yes," does not inhibit rabbitrol's performance, though it may have a negative impact on the user's ability to perform. Dr. Longwell also noted that the effectiveness of rabbitrol declines markedly among men who ejaculate during foreplay or dinner.
Although the Food and Drug Administration is reviewing an application for rabbitrol, the drug, known as "Hamburger Helper" among some researchers, will not be available in pharmacies for at least a year. In the meantime, men suffering from premature ejaculation will have to make do with present "treatments," which are largely confined to counterintuitive thinking: picturing Drew Carey naked, reciting the pledge of allegiance, or counting backwards from one hundred. Most men reported that these techniques were of limited effectiveness, and some techniques, such as picturing Drew Carey naked, actually resulted in loss of erection and, hence, no ejaculation at all.
"That was like throwing the bone out with the soup," said Hooty Gonzalez, a member of the St. Paul, Minnesota, highway department.
Even after rabbitrol is approved, its effectiveness will depend on men's willingness to come forward and discuss the problem with their doctors. Toward that end, Johnson & Johnson is developing an advertising campaign that will tap public figures afflicted with premature ejaculation—or public figures willing to say they are for a hefty fee.
A source close to Johnson & Johnson reports that former President William Jefferson Clinton is being considered as the face of rabbitrol. In beta versions of television adverts, President Clinton is sitting behind a desk in a replica of the "oral office." Flashing his boyish grin, he looks down the camera's lens and says, "If I had had rabbitrol, I wouldn't have been busted by the stains on that woman's dress."
In related news, the Guinness World Records book lists 12.5 seconds and 67 minutes as the current benchmark performances in the premature and mature ejaculation categories respectively. These figures are averages complied over a minimum three-year period.
The premature ejaculation record, 12.5 seconds, is held by Harry "The Hummingbird" Watson, a tax consultant with England's Inland Revenue. The extended-play record, an impressive 67 minutes, belongs to former Police lead singer Sting, an authority on tantric sex. Mrs. Sting has been frequently seen using a walker in public following the certification of her husband's record.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
