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Charlie Sheen Sees Barbaro Breakdown Conspiracy
May 25, 2006, 08:10
"First 911, now the Preakness. Are none of our institutions safe?"
HOLLYWOOD - Actor and conspiracy theorist Charlie Sheen says Barbaro's breakdown in last Saturday's Preakness was not an accident. While taping a segment of Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, Mr. Sheen declared that "shadowy figures in the racing world" had conspired to injure the colt in order to win sympathy for "a failing industry that's on its last legs."
According to Mr. Sheen, the racing industry has been trying for the last twenty years to attract "a younger demographic" to the nation's tracks; but despite "family nights and flag nights and appearances by lame-ass country musicians, there's no disguising the fact that if you go to most any track in America on a week day, all you'll see is a bunch of degenerate old men wearing too much plaid gumming cigars and drooling all over themselves."
"But, Charlie," said interviewer Frank Deford, who bears an unfortunate resemblance to Grandpa Munster, "Barbaro had a good chance of winning the Triple Crown, which would have given the racing industry a great marketing tool. Why would anyone tamper with the horse at that point?"
"If horses love to run, why do jockeys carry whips?"
"Crown, shmown," said Mr. Sheen. "Every horse that wins the Kentucky Derby is touted as the next Triple Crown winner. People get tired of hearing that [crap] year after year, and even if Barbaro had won the Triple Crown, people would have forgotten about it quickly. The racing industry knew that [messing] with this horse was the best career move. He gets to be a saint, and the racing industry gets to look like heroes trying to save the brave little horsey's life."
"What's wrong with trying to save his life?" asked Mr. Deford.
"Nothing," replied Mr. Sheen, "but where were the grieving owners and the heroic veterinarians when 269 horses broke down on California tracks between November 2003 and November 2005? How many of those horses were saved? Zip. Nada. None. I'll wager nobody left Beanie babies and flowers outside the landfills where they wound up. Of course, they weren't potentially worth bazillions of dollars in stud fees."
"But Charlie," Mr. Deford began.
"Stuff it, Grandpa. If I see one more touchy-feely Barbaro story in which one more buttwipe says 'horses are bred to run, they love it,' I'm gonna scream. If horses love to run, why do those midgets who ride them carry whips? In nature the only thing you'll ever find on a horse's back is a goddamn predator."
In related news, according to Jerry Pack, a Pennsylvania State Horse Racing Commission veterinarian, between 1.6 and 2.2 horses suffer a catastrophic breakdown and have to be destroyed for every one thousand horses that run in a race. At Penn National, a racetrack in Pennsylvania, twenty-six horses a year have been destroyed, on average, during the last ten years.That works out to one death every eight racing days.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
