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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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Lindsay Lohan Arrested and Charged with Littering
May 27, 2007, 08:40
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Lindsay Lohan arriving at Drunks Against Mad Mothers meeting, 11:30 p.m. May 25, 2007.
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - Lindsay Lohan was arrested early yesterday morning for littering and for leaving a car at the scene of an accident. Charges were brought against the actress after the black Mercedes convertible she had been driving was blindsided by a curb near the corner of Sunset Boulevard and Foothill Drive.

Police who responded to a 911 call found the abandoned vehicle and the curb at the scene of the accident. After taking statements, they determined that Ms. Lohan had been speeding at the time the accident occurred. They were unable to determine, however, whether she had been wearing a seatbelt or panties.

According to a copy of the police report leaked to THEM Weekly, a "usable" (or perhaps it was "unusual") amount of cocaine was found in the vehicle.

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Lindsay Lohan leaving Drunks Against Mad Mothers meeting, 5:05 a.m. May 26, 2007.
At a press conference televised yesterday on CSPAN-2, Lieutenant Rufus Delgado of CSI Beverly Hills told reporters that Ms. Lohan had been on her way home from a meeting of Drunks Against Mad Mothers at the time of the crash. She was driven in another car to a nearby hospital, where she was given a citation by police and treated for acute camel toe brought on by the impact of the crash.

Lieutenant Delgado declined to say how police had determined the location of the hospital to which Ms. Lohan had been taken, but a source close to the investigation told THEM Weekly that "a trail of suspicious looking white powder" had led police to Ms. Lohan.



Correction: A slight error occurred in yesterday's Postcards story "Sharon Stone Is the New Face of Designer Vagina Craze." In reality it is Rosie O'Donnell who is the new face of designer coochies.

We are sorry for any false expectations our error may have occasioned among Sharon Stone fans. We are espicially sorry if this correction causes anyone to have nightmares. In our defense we can only say that we don't report the news, we simply make it up.



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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.