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Viagra Vision Loss Blamed in Senior Citizen Fire
Feb 4, 2010, 06:28
EXTON, Penna. - A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra about an hour before accidentally starting the blaze that destroyed the drapes and a futon in his apartment and forced the evacuation of the 525-member facility.
DeHaven had been attempting to light the candle in anticipation of a romantic evening with Margaret Prizer, 75, his next-door neighbor at Sunrise Acres. He told police that "everything kind of got fuzzy looking" just after he had lit his cigarette lighter. Unable to see clearly, he set fire to a vertical line in the pattern of the drape, thinking the line was the sexual-fantasy jasmine-scented candle he had purchased on a field trip to the Exton Mall the day before.
When Prizer arrived at DeHaven's apartment and let herself in with the key he had given her, the drape was ablaze, and DeHaven was urinating in the kitchen sink.
"Make yourself comfortable," he called. "I'm in the bathroom. I'll be right out."
"I screamed, 'Oh my god,'" Prizer told police, "but Gerald just laughed and said, 'You ain't seen nothin' yet; wait until the Viagra kicks in.'"
The Viagra kicked in after Prizer had led DeHaven out to the parking lot of Sunrise Acres.
"Gerald was in this advanced state of arousal that his Jockey shorts could not conceal," said Tammy Rondstadt, recreation therapist at Sunrise. "He attracted quite a lot of attention in the parking lot, let me tell you."
According to Rondstadt, Viagra use is common at Sunrise Acres.
"We saw a marked decrease in attendance at evening bingo and afternoon sponge painting when Viagra became popular here about five years ago," she said. "There's nothing randier than a seventy-five-year-old man with a you-know-what that would make a twenty year old proud. A lot of the ladies complain about having to take up 'social activities' they had put aside years ago, but I think they secretly like it—they just wish Viagra wasn't so long acting."
Despite the FDA's recent announcement that Viagra has caused temporary blindness in a small number of its users, Rondstadt said the fire in Gerald DeHaven's apartment was the most serious example of that side effect she has seen at Sunrise Acres.
"We get the occasional old goat wandering into the lobby with a pup tent in his pajamas because he suddenly went blind on his way back to his room after a date—that kind of thing," she said, "but nothing like this."
In other news, Brad Pitt says that even though he is not romantically involved with Angelina Jolie, he can prove that he did have sex with her, "depending on your definition of sex.".
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
