President Bush Lays Wreath to Honor Fashion's Fallen Heroes

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President Bush Lays Wreath to Honor Fashion's Fallen Heroes
May 29, 2006, 10:24

MIAMI - President George W. Bush paid a surprise visit to slain fashion designer Giovanni Versace's house in Miami last night. Mr. Bush arrived shortly after dark and placed a wreath on a stand not far from the delicate wrought iron fence that accents the late designer's mansion.

Speaking extemporaneously, the president told a small group gathered on the sidewalk, "We must never forget the sacrifices made by the brave designers who gave their lives so that others might dress freely."

Sources close to the president said his visit was designed to call attention to the alarming lack of fashion sense "endemic among today's celebrities."

"The president still has some political capital left," added new White House press secretary, Tony Snow. "He intends to spend it on the development of a fashion terror alert that will warn people when threats to fashion sense reach dangerous levels. He is also considering the creation of a new cabinet position, secretary of fashion."

Code Florid. The most dangerous fashion terror level. Threat immediate. Stay indoors.

Code PWT. Threat imminent. Avoid places where low-rent families take their spawn.

Code Frumpy. Moderate threat level. Still dangerous if you're planning to have sex with said frump.

Code Burlap. Slight threat to anyone allergic to sweat shop, knock-off garments.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.