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Lindsay Lohan Model Recalled by Mercedes-Benz
May 29, 2007, 09:39
MONTVALE, N.J. - Mercedes-Benz USA is recalling its Lindsay Lohan SL65 model. The most powerful production SL model offered by Mercedes, the SL65 features a 604-horsepower, twin-turbocharged V-12 engine and more overall modifications than Joan Rivers.
The recall was not unexpected in view of the Lohan SL65's collision with a curb and several trees in Beverly Hills last Saturday.
"We are sorry for any inconvenience this recall may occasion for our A-list clients," said Mercedes-Benz director of public affairs, Mackenzie Turner, "but the manifold stability and handling issues peculiar to this model leave us no other choice."
A source close to Mercedes-Benz said the Lohan model "looked great" in the early development stages but began to exhibit "unfortunate tendencies" as it aged.
"You could say this model just didn't want to grow up," said the source.
Among the several problems with the Lohan SL65 were a slushy gearbox and an erratic rear end, "a lethal combination" according to Car & Striver magazine.
"The Lohan couldn't drive a straight line in a light spring breeze," wrote Car & Striver. "This handling problem was compounded by traction failure in wet conditions. So bad was the latter problem that the Lohan was prone to spin out of control if it wasn't allowed to dry out thoroughly after it had been soaked. A crash at the Bryan Adams test track in London last year bore witness to this shortcoming, but for some reason the Lohan model was rushed into production anyway."
The Lohan was plagued by a slushy box and an erratic rear end.
In addition to these performance problems, the Lohan appears to have inherited structural difficulties that compromise its ability to bear weight or to breathe properly in humid conditions.
"This thing would stall under the weight of a tray of fine powdered china," said Car & Striver. "What's more, its overexposed grill work left it vulnerable to running too lean and to choking on any task in humid conditions. Not to mention the fact that in some light it appeared the paint was covered with spots."
Two early users of the Lohan concurred in these assessments.
"This baby looked great from a distance, but she wasn't able to deliver the goods," said W. Valderrama of Hollywood.
"I test drove her one night," said S. Lennon of New York City, "and she didn't perform like the classic she was advertised to be."
In related news, Mercedes-Benz is expected to announce that Lohan owners can obtain a full cash refund for their purchases or trade their cars in for other celebrity models such as the exotic-but-affordable Bai Ling CLK550 Cabriolet or the ever-dependable Jeremy Piven ML350 SUV, which received a five-star front-passenger and side-impact crash rating from the NHTSA's NAACP.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
