You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Paris Hilton Engaged, Tinkerbell Furious
May 31, 2005, 06:37
HOLLYWOOD - Paris Hilton's canine companion, Tinkerbell, is said to be fuming over the news that her mistress is engaged to cat-loving Greek shipping magnate Paris Latsis. A spokesperson for Tinkerbell told The Drudge Report yesterday that the two-pound Chihuahua "cannot abide" Latsis and has gone on a hunger strike since the Paris Pair announced their engagement last Saturday at a barbeque at their Hollywood Hills mansion.
"Tinkerbell is furious," said the spokesperson. "She feels betrayed because Paris (Hilton) told her that Latsis and his ten cats were only staying until renovations on the cats' quarters in his mansion were complete."
According to the spokesperson, Tinkerbell turns up her nose at her favorite treats, refuses to wear any of her designer jewelry, and growls whenever Hilton tries to pick her up.
"I wouldn't be surprised if Tink went missing again," the spokesperson added.
Tinkerbell made international headlines when she disappeared for a week last August just before the publication of The Tinkerbell Hilton Diaries: My Life Tailing Paris Hilton. Some people—the Chihuahua-owning Britney Spears among them—openly wondered if Tinkerbell's "disappearance" had been staged to coincide with the publication of the book, but a source close to Hilton said Tinkerbell "really did run away because she was upset with the photo of her used on the book's cover."
Despite their ubiquitous presence in magazines and newspapers, Hilton and Tinkerbell have had a dodgy relationship of late. In addition to being livid about the arrival of Latsis and his ten cats, Tinkerbell went ballistic when she wasn't included in Paris Hilton's waxwork statue recently unveiled at Madame Tussauds. Tinkerbell was reportedly so angry that she refused to sleep with Hilton until she had issued an apology through US Weekly, Tinkerbell's favorite magazine.
"I didn't bring Tinkerbell to the thing," Hilton confessed. "They wanted to make her too, but I forgot to take her to the thing where they take pictures of you."
Hilton and Tinkerbell have been together since November 2003. Inspired by the Chihuahua in "Legally Blonde," Hilton purchased Tinkerbell from a Texas puppy farm she had located on the Internet. The purchase was criticized at the time by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).
"Whenever celebrities buy a designer dog," said PETA president Ingrid Newkirk, "they contribute to the pet overpopulation problem."
"That's ridiculous," sniffed Hilton. "I'm going to have Tinkerbell spaded."
In related news, popular animal psychic Sonia Fitzgerald used the bully pulpit of her "Animal Planet" television show this weekend to warn people about the dangers of having sex in front of their pets. Calling this practice "the single most damaging thing that pet owners can do to harm their animals' psyches," Fitzgerald suggested that before pet owners get intimate they should make sure their animals are confined safely in another part of the house.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
