You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
SWAKOPMUND, Namibia - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may have squashed the feeding frenzy that had threatened to overwhelm them, but their strong-arm tactics have deprived their fans of any meaningful Brangelina fix for days. If you are one of the millions of people jonesing for news of substance about the golden couple and their glowing offspring, we can't help you.
We can offer you some methadone, however, in the form of the Brangelina baby quiz. It won't get you as high as an actual photo of Angelina breast-feeding her daughter Shiloh, but it will keep you from chewing the Tomb Raider posters on your wall.
This an open-book, unlimited-time quiz in which no reasonable answer will be refused. If you score lower than 70, you're in worse shape than we thought you were.
1. Shiloh is a ________ word meaning ________.
a) Namibian . . . carpetbagger; b) Dutch . . . hydroponically grown; c) Ebonics . . . child of mama with big lips; d) Hebrew . . . bastard (f).
2. Because of international reciprocity agreements, Shiloh will be ________.
a) a Namibian citizen, b) a female, c) right-handed, d) colorblind.
3. Brad Pitt was recently named the sexiest man on the planet by what magazine?
a) Popular Mechanics, b) Out, c) Cat Fancy, d) Car & Driver.
4. While Angelina Jolie was delivering Shiloh by C-section, Brad Pitt was ________.
a) taking pictures with his cell phone, b) throwing up, c) getting coffee for the nurses, d) signing autographs.
5) After learning that Shiloh had been born, Jennifer Aniston sent Brad and Angelina ______ .
a) a dozen dead roses, b) a picture of Vince Vaughn mooning, c) a sex video she had made with Brad, d) complimentary passes to The Break-Up.
6. Angelina Jolie had to have a C-section because ________.
a) her visa was about to expire, b) she didn't want to stretch her tattoos, c) Brad Pitt is under endowed, d) she hadn't had a bikini wax in months.
7. ________ is going to be Shiloh's godfather.
a) George Clooney, b) the Dalai Lama, c) Bono, d) Rosie O'Donnell.
8. Babies born by C-section are ________.
a) smarter than the average, b) young looking for their age, c) surprised, d) agoraphobic.
9. After Shiloh had been delivered, Brad Pitt cut ________.
a) the umbilical cord, b) the cheese, c) himself shaving, d) a deal with People magazine.
10. What did Brad and Angelina do with the placenta?
a) sent it to Tom Cruise, b) had it bronzed, c) auctioned it on eBay, d) who cares?
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
