You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Rudy Giuliani Dies in Sopranos Final Episode
Jun 5, 2007, 09:08
NEW YORK - Republican presidential candidate Rudolph "Rudy the Skull" Giuliani meets an untimely fate in the final episode of The Sopranos. The former New York mayor is gunned down while dining at Umberto's, a restaurant popular with mobsters, in the city's Little Italy section.
According to Ralph "Jimmy the Fish" Pescatore, who portrays Mr. Giuliani in the episode, the former mayor "is set up" by Phil Leotardo, boss of the Lupertazzi family, one of New York's five ruling clans.
"Phil harbors a grudge against Rudy the Skull for a long time because Rudy cuts him out of the 9/11 security scams that Rudy sets up to cash in on his image as America's mayor," said Mr. Pescatore.
"So Phil sends word to Rudy to meet him at Umberto's at 9:00 on a Sunday night to talk this thing out. Rudy, that mortadell, thinks the offer is legit now that Tony Soprano and his fag son have been whacked by Phil's guys and dumped in a toll booth on exit 23 of the turnpike with their dicks in their mouths.
Rudy the Skull and crime boss Phil Leotardo at New York's Columbus Day parade in 2002.
"So Rudy shows up at Umberto's with two of his bodyguards. They barely start on the calamari when two of Phil's guys come in and start shooting. Bada bam! Bada bang! That's all she wrote. I hear one of Rudy's guys is carrying a briefcase with two hundred large in it. Madone! That'll pay for a lot of talking."
Mr. Giuliani's main rival for the presidency, Hilary Clinton, was criticized by the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League for remarking that "the olive doesn't fall far from the tree" after being told about Mr. Giuliani's demise on The Sopranos. A spokeswoman for Ms. Clinton said the senator meant no disrespect to Italians by her remark and was, indeed, "quite fond of Italian cooking."
In other news, Starbucks has been threatened with a massive sick-out by workers irate at the prospect of being forced to listen to Paul McCartney's new CD, Memory Almost Full, which is being played continuously today at Starbucks outlets around the world.
Jared Lindemann, senior barista at the Starbucks in the operating theater of Philadelphia's Hahnemann Hospital, told the Philadelphia Inquirer that he might not have enough staff to keep the outlet open during its 4:00 p.m.-to-midnight shift tonight.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
