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Microsoft Acquires Open Source Christian Software
Jun 6, 2007, 11:33
REDMOND, Wash. - Microsoft's co-founder Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama.
Endtimes!, "the inspired binary word of the Lord," is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama's Silicone Holler. The company produces "open source salvation software for Jesus geeks."
Gates also announced that Glossolalia 1.1, the long-awaited English-to-Tongues converter from Endtimes!, will be a standard part of all future editions of Windows. Current Windows owners can download a free patch containing the English-to-Tongues converter—as well as the twenty-three most recent Internet Explorer security fixes—from the Windows website.
Aloysius McFadden, founder of Endtimes!, praised God and Microsoft for the acquisition.
"The Lord told me this software will be even more popular than our Pig Latin Bible converter and that we should make sure it achieved the deepest market penetration possible," said Mr. McFadden. "What better choice than Bill Gates, who's got more money than God?
"From now on," Mr. McFadden continued, "there's no need for new charismatics to be tongue-tied in church, the Goodwill Store, the Wal-Mart, or anywhere else where two or more people are gathered in Jesus' name. Quicker than you can say 'a wop-bop-a-loo-bop,' ('only the elect should be elected'), our new software will have you speaking in tongues like a snake-handling elder."
Easily understood by all operating systems in any programming language, Glossolalia 1.1 quickly converts simple English sentences into tongues. Furthermore, it preserves split infinitives, dangling modifiers, double negatives, and disagreements between subjects and verbs in the process.
To use Glossolalia 1.1, simply type a word, phrase, sentence fragment, or (for advanced users only) a complete sentence into the conversion space (the box next to the burning-cross icon). Then mash that icon, and Glossolalia 1.1, "with the blessings of the Lord God Jesus Christ," will print that word, phrase, or sentence fragment in tongues, spelled phonetically ("jus' lack it sounds") for easy mastery.
For example, type "The Lord don't love gay folks" into the conversion box, and Glossolalia 1.1 instantly prints, "Jaweh homano swishnay yuck."
"It's so easy even my fourteen-year-old cousin can use it," said Melvin "Six Fingers" Suggs, chief programmer at Endtimes! Software. "I'm gittin' her one for our first weddin' anniversary."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
