You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
U.S. Moves to Metric System to Fight Obesity
Nov 7, 2009, 07:19
"Does this shirt make my navel look big?"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Beginning in January 2011 the United States will switch to the metric system to fight obesity. Physicians, who weigh people every day, say after the switch almost no one will be obese.
"For example, a woman who formerly weighed 242, under the new system will weigh only 110," said Dr. Beatrix Miller.
Experts from the Centers for Disease Control said that the move will statistically eliminate obesity in America, at least temporarily. Projections show that at current growth rates the average American's weight won't get above two hundred under the new system for another twenty to twenty-five years.
A coalition of fast food manufacturers endorsed the move wholeheartedly. A spokesperson from Wendy's noted that "under the new system, Dave Thomas wouldn't have been obese, 105 kilos at the most, and would probably still be alive today."
McDonald's Corporation, however, separated itself from the coalition and is fighting the measure measure. A Wall Street analyst Casey Doppel- berger explained that while the switch to the metric system would be a boon to fast food stocks in general, it would hit McDonald's hard.
Rumsfeld (left): "U.S. military will be leaner and meaner under metric system."
"Who's going to buy a '.113636 Kilogramer With Cheese'? This could do in Mickey D's already shaky market standing."
The Scale Manufacturers Association (SMA) lauded the change, with some of their members introducing all-metric scales immediately. A SMA public relations official, Peggy Pepina, announced a new promotional campaign: "A New Scale, A New Way: Reduce Your Weight in Half Today!"
The change was a joint initiative of the Department of Commerce, which regulates weights and measures; the Food and Drug Administration, which oversees the nation's food supply; and the Surgeon General, who has been monitoring the epidemic of obesity in the United States.
The initiative was started after a team of cross-cultural researchers, headed by Dr. Frances Lingua, determined that the metric system is the reason French women are so skinny.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
