You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Paris Hilton's Medical Condition a Gripping Saga
Jun 8, 2007, 11:50
LOS ANGELES - A mysterious medical condition made Paris Hilton "a danger to herself and to other inmates" at the Century Regional Detention Facility, said Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca, who ordered Ms. Hilton released from jail yesterday after she had served barely three days of a twenty-three-day sentence for violating the conditions of her probation.
Sheriff Baca declined to say whether Ms. Hilton's condition was mental or physical, but he did observe, "It isn't wise to keep a person in jail with her problem over an extended period of time."
Therefore, he sent Ms. Hilton home on the condition that she spend the next forty days under house arrest.
The sheriff's decision did not please many persons beyond Ms. Hilton's entourage. The sheriff's deputies union, members of the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors, Al Sharpton and other civil rights leaders, defense attorneys, and Mothers Against Drunk Drivers all issued statements essentially calling Sheriff Baca a celebrity-sniffing dickhead.
"What transpired here is outrageous," said county supervisor Don Knabe, who claimed to have received more than four hundred angry emails and hundreds of phone calls from around the country. (Anyone wishing to add his or her voice to the din should phone the "Compliments & Complaints" number of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department (323.526.5541).
According to a source at Century Regional Detention Facility, Ms. Hilton's cell was quarantined immediately following her release, and a team of hazardous materials specialists from the Los Angeles County Fire Department is scheduled to inspect the premise later today. This news led to speculation that Ms. Hilton, who has long been suspected of harboring the mother of all herpes infections, may be sitting on something even more lethal.
Among the most frequently cited possibilities mentioned to a THEM Weekly reporter who visited a number of trendy Los Angeles clubs last night were crabs, radioactive hair-extension lice, bubonic herpes, multiple drug withdrawal, acute anal leakage, a severely prolapsed rectum, chronic inverted nipples, and "the bitch can't stand to be alone with herself."
In related news, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, who handed down Ms. Hilton's original sentence, will preside over a hearing at 9:00 a.m. (PST) this morning. The hearing, which Ms. Hilton is required to attend, was called at the request of the Los Angeles city attorney, who wants Ms. Hilton returned to jail and Sheriff Lee Baca cited for contempt of court.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
