Big Love Season Two Opens without Long-awaited Foursome
Jun 12, 2007, 21:54
Behind every good man there are three good women.
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - HBO's squeaky clean polygamy series, Big Love, opened its second season last night without the long-awaited foursome that kept this reviewer and many of his friends glued to their lounge chairs on Sunday nights for the entire first season.
I know some smart-asses will claim there were sticky substances on our lounge chairs long before Big Love came along, but I'm not gonna go there on a family-oriented website.
Anyways, last night’s season-opening episode didn’t feature the kind of openings this lame-ass show needs. Instead, we hear wife number one, Barb, tell husband numbers one, two, and three, Bill Hendrickson, “Maybe this whole thing has been a mistake.”
It has been, Barb, but not for the reasons you think.
Meanwhile, back at the Juniper Creek compound, where the average IQ correlates with the average temperature in that part of Utah, Alby Grant, whose lizard-skinned father, Roman, runs the show, has managed to survive being poisoned by Joey Henrickson's wife, Wanda, who's a few sparks short of a fire. Her dumber-than-a-stump husband is threatening to bring in the state to investigate an attempted murder in which the prime suspects might turn out to be his own wife and mother. Hello? Is this still a working number
"My, what big boots you have."
Roman Grant, for his part, is suggesting that Wanda may benefit spiritually by being reassigned to a more “righteous” man—the indestructible Alby, perhaps, or maybe Joey's bottom-feeding father, Frank.
Whatever. You make your bed and you get violated in it according to compound rules.
Besides, who wants to see Frank in another sorry episode of premature ejaculation? What my fellow critics and I came to see is a little four-way street among Still Bill and his three wives; but do we get the four-on-the-floor we deserve after putting up with this sorry-ass soap opera for thirteen episodes now? Hell no!
What is wrong with these Mormons? Does LDS stand for "Latter Day Stiffs"? Why would a guy work his ass off to support three wives and their seven kids and then sleep with only one wife at a time—one night at a time? How uptight is that? Is he functionally retarded or what? I've had foursomes with chicks I wasn't even married to. Truth be known, one of them was married to somebody else at the time.
"Hey, you guys, did Bill ever ask you to play fortune teller?"
It boggles the libido to see that triple-pussy- whipped Bill sitting around with three doable women and taking on only one at a time. That kind of behavior gives polygamy a bad name. With all the Viagra he gobbles, you'd think he'd have the get-up-and-go for a double header once in a while—or at least he could watch while his wives cleaned the carpets. Shoot, if this schlub met twins, he want to bone them separately.
I've got news for HBO: support for Big Love is soft, and soft support will eventually find another game if HBO refuses to play hardball. If that foursome doesn't materialize during the next two episodes, I and my fellow critics are switching to our TiVo'ed collections of Real Sex. Those people definitely do not think three's a crowd.
