You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Tony Soprano Sighting Reported in New Jersey
Jun 13, 2007, 08:02
NEWARK, N.J. - Tony Soprano was sighted late Tuesday night leaving Satin Dolls, the gentlemen's club on Route 17 in Lodi, New Jersey, where scenes that took place at the Bada Bing strip joint in The Sopranos had been filmed.
"He looked good, man," said Mario Fenestra, who reported the sighting to the Newark Star Ledger, the newspaper Mr. Soprano shambled down his driveway in his trademark white terry robe to fetch at the opening of many episodes of The Sopranos.
When the reporter asked if the person Mr. Fenestra saw might have been James Gandolfini, who played Tony Soprano on television, Mr. Fenestra grew agitated.
"Yo, you sayin' I don't know the difference between an actor and the real thing? You want me to come down there and punch your lights out?
"I'm tellin' ya, numbnuts, it was him. He was with his goomar. When I yelled, 'Hey T,' he shot me a look then got in his Escalade and drove away. This proves he didn't die in the last episode."
A debate has raged over the fate of Mr. Soprano since the moment the television screen went black at the end of The Sopranos Sunday night. Many viewers contend that Mr. Soprano was shot by one or more of the shady characters in the restaurant where he was sharing a basket of onion rings with his family.
Other viewers, like Mr. Fenestra, maintain the abrupt ending was simply a literary device, a "Zeus ex mackinaw," that was series creator, David Chase's, playful way of suggesting that television, like real life, is "an existential stagmire."
In related news, President Bush said the "abrupt pullout" with which The Sopranos ended was "irresponsible" because it could plunge the mafia into a civil war.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
