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Sopranos Ending Debated by Republican Presidential Candidates
Jun 14, 2007, 08:22
QUEENS, N.Y. - The ending of "Made in America," the final episode of The Sopranos, was the sole topic of discussion last night at a debate among the Republican presidential candidates.
The freewheeling, one-hour discussion, moderated by William F. Buckley Jr., was held on a darkened HBO sound stage at an undisclosed location. The candidates were seated around a table. There was no audience present.
Mr. Buckley opened the discussion by asking Arizona Senator John McCain if he "agreed with the proposition" that the blank screen at the end of "Made in America" was "an ironic commentary" on television's "bewitching power to entertain a spellbound, onanistic audience."
Senator McCain, by far the most vocal critic of the ending, said that the abrupt, unilateral withdrawal of the images on the screen would obviously lead to chaos, civil war, and even more deaths in the mafia.
"To cut and run like that is never the solution to a problem," added Senator McCain. "I would have had a greater police presence in that restaurant."
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said that even though he believes onanism is a sin—and never practices it himself—he would not impose his views on others. Then he added, "If Tony and the members of his family were cut down in a hail of gunfire, I submit that my heroic presence following the cowardly 9/11 attacks on my city clearly demonstrates that I am the candidate best qualified to oversee the clean-up and restoration of Holsten's, the restaurant where they were eating."
Throughout the evening Mr. Buckley grew obviously more impatient as the candidates answered questions only they seemed to have heard. Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts, for example, responded to a question about the economic impact of organized crime on our economy by saying that his stance on immigration—tough, no-nonsense standards and a genuinely secure border—was most in keeping with the wishes of the American people.
"You'll note," said Governor Romney, "that the episode was called 'Made in America.' I want to see those words on more of the consumer goods that we Americans purchase."
The three candidates who had indicated at an earlier debate that they do not believe in evolution—Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, and Colorado representative Tom Tancredo—all agreed that the abrupt fade to black was a sign that "God had pulled the plug" on the Soprano family because "He did not like the evolution of the show."
Mr. Huckabee, who lost 110 pounds between February 2003 and August 2004, attempted to distinguish himself from his fellow creationists by adding that Tony Soprano's "morbid obesity" was a symbol of the "self-indulgent, godless hedonism" that affects our society.
Only maverick candidate Ron Paul, long-time U.S. Representative from Texas, applauded the ending of "Made in America" unconditionally.
"A unilateral pull out was the only way to end the show without sacrificing additional lives needlessly," said Mr. Paul.
In related news, Fred Thompson, who has not yet announced his candidacy but is expected to do so this summer, approached Mr. Buckley in the parking lot following the debate. According to a snitch who overheard their conversation, Mr. Thompson told Mr. Buckley that The Sopranos was "overrated" and lacked the realism and positive message of NBC's Law & Order.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
