Alli Diet Pill Gives Depends a Leg Up in Sales
Jun 18, 2007, 09:40
NEW YORK –Alli, the new diet pill from GlaxoSmithKline, has already proven itself effective in one regard, boosting the sales of Depends. Introduced last week to a consumer frenzy rivaling that of a new Harry Potter release in some areas, Alli is the first over-the-counter diet drug approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
Alli helps to facilitate weight loss by blocking the absorption of roughly one-quarter of the fat a person consumes. According to the FDA, people on a combined regimen of Alli, diet, and exercise lost 40 to 60 percent more weight than persons lost through diet and exercise alone.
Unfortunately, those using Alli also had a 40 to 60 percent greater occurrence of pesky side effects, including rancid-smelling gas, explosive diarrhea, frequent anal leakage, and acute oily discharge.
“I started getting farts with lumps in them as soon as I began taking Alli,” said Debbi Musinich of Philadelphia. “Between the lumps and the stench—I haven’t seen my cat in days—I was going to throw the damn pills in the trash; but I really want to lose ten pounds for my girlfriend’s wedding in August, so I hit upon the idea of wearing Depends and spraying them with perfume.”
Ms. Musinich apparently isn’t the only one who stumbled upon the Depends solution.
Anne Szymzkowski, a Rite Aid section manager in Arlington, Virginia, reported, “A day after we began selling Alli, many of the people who had camped outside our store to buy it were back buying armloads of Depends. The shit had hit the fans, I suppose. We’re all sold out of the fitted maximum protection Depends, and we’ve got only a few of the industrial strength protective underwear left.”
A senior executive for Depend, who did not wish to be identified by name, said his company had anticipated “the leg up we’re getting” from Alli.
“This is going to be even bigger than the blowback we got when that astronaut (Lisa Nowak) drove nine hundred miles wearing a Depend so she wouldn’t waste any time peeing on her way to punching out her love rival. This could be the kick in the pants our stock has needed.”
In related news, conservationist Sheryl Crow said Alli was “a threat to trees everywhere.” Ms. Crow, who famously suggested that people limit themselves to one square of toilet paper per seating in an effort to conserve resources, said there was “no way in hell one square of toilet paper is going to clean up the mess that Alli creates.”
