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Ann Coulter Attacks Paul McCartney, Brad Pitt, Episcopalians
Jun 19, 2006, 08:43
"The better to hear you with, my dear."
LOS ANGELES - Ann Coulter accused Paul McCartney and Brad Pitt of not having "one decent testicle" between them and then went on to declare that the Episcopal General Convention "squats to pee" for electing a female bishop to preside over the 2.4 million-member Episcopal Church in the United States.
"Paulie should drag his dyed-hair-wearing, sugar-coated-song-writing, one-legged-whore-humping ass out to pasture," wrote Ms. Coulter in yesterday's Parade magazine. "How pathetic is Paulie's current posture—bent over frontward to protect that forty-thieves-balling, mattress-on-her-back-wearing wife of his?
"A real man would be calling her for every kind of whore in Babylon, but not Paulie. He just puts on his harp-seal expression and pleads for tolerance and understanding. The next time that wanker drags his withered butt off to Nova Scotia or some other cold, clueless place to crawl around in seal scat, he ought to do himself a favor and hop on the nearest ice flow and float out to sea whistling "Ebony and Ivory" until his mouth puckers into a perfect approximation of his butt hole."
Brad Pitt didn't fare any better under Ms. Coulter's microscope.
"You wanna know how Angelina Jolie's lips got so big?" wrote Ms. Coulter? "Sucking the manhood out of prissy, little mommy's boys like Brad "Tiny Tatter" Pitt, that's how. Can you imagine Tom Selleck or Gregory Peck or even a Nancy boy like Montgomery Clift following Ms. Jolie off to some godless Third World country to babysit her trophy children while she engaged in animal sacrifice and drank blood with members of the Olwontu tribe? Gimme a break.
"Brad Pitt is so in denial about being gay that his closets have revolving doors. He's been a serial bitch for a string of man-eating shemales, starting with Gwyneth Paltrow. His nose is so brown he has to scrub with an exfoliating soap after every meal. What a pathetic loser. He gives sensitivity a bad name. The only thing that'll be left for him to do after Angie hands him his [private parts] is to run for office as a Democrat in California."
Scarcely pausing to re-dip her tongue in venom, Ms. Coulter warned the Episcopal General Convention that "God don't like ugly" after the group had elected Nevada Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori, 52, to lead the "2.4-million-limp" Episcopal Church in the United States.
"I don't know why those pasty-faced, soft-bellied, white-haired old farts were peeing in their Depends over that rodent-faced broad," wrote Coulter. "Is it because she's got more testosterone in her Adam's Apple than they've got in their entire bodies? That crone is so ugly I wouldn't kiss her with Rosie O'Donnell's lips."
In other news, golfer Phil Mickelson remains on a suicide watch following his epic meltdown in yesterday's U.S. Open. New York state police relieved Mr. Mickelson of his belt and shoe laces immediately after he had walked off the course yesterday. He was taken to an undisclosed location where he will be kept under surveillance until he is no longer considered a threat to himself or to television audiences.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
