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Queen Elizabeth 2 Moving to Dubai
Jun 19, 2007, 06:03
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - Queen Elizabeth 2, the majestic traveler who inspired millions of people around the world during her fifty-five year reign, has been sold to a Dubai-owned company for $100 million.
Istithmar, the state-owned company that purchased QE2, as she is known to her many admirers, plans to restore the venerable monarch as a world-class tourist attraction. She will be installed on a jewel-encrusted floating replica of Buckingham Palace berthed off Palm Jumeirah, an artificial island that has been cleverly crafted into the shape of a jumeirah.
Outgoing—and soon to be former—British prime minister, Tony Blair, assured QE2's subjects yesterday that even though the aged queen will end her days as a tourist attraction, she will always be "the people's princess's former mother-in-law" as well as the queen of England.
"One hundred million was a handsome price for the old girl," said Mr. Blair, "especially in view of the fact that she had begun to leak and to exhibit other infirmities associated with advanced age, particularly around her lower deck."
Mr. Blair added that the queen will also generate additional income for her subjects pursuant to the terms of a revenue sharing agreement reached with Istithmar. Mr. Blair further revealed that a portion of the income generated by QE2 would be used to pay the salary of Helen Miren, who has been engaged to stand in for the queen at ceremonial functions in the UK.
Istithmar will take possession of QE2 in November. After she has been towed to Palm Jumeirah, she will be refurbished "fore and aft," said an Istithmar official. She will be reintroduced to the public during a special New Year's Eve celebration co-hosted by Michael Jackson and Dick Clark.
In related news, a replica of the twisted, blood-splattered car in which Princess Diana died, complete with realistic life-size sculptures of the car's passengers, will be unveiled on Palm Jumeirah on August 31, the tenth anniversary of the princess's death.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
