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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Jack Nicholson Joins Kobe Bryant in Demanding Trade Jun 22, 2007 - 7:35
Superfan Jack Nicholson tells Lakers, "Talk to the hand."
LOS ANGELES - Jack Nicholson, the most visible fan in Los Angeles Lakers history, has joined Kobe Bryant in demanding to be traded. Speaking to fans in the parking lot of a Los Angeles restaurant last night, the Oscar-winning actor went on a profane tirade that was captured by a cell phone video cam.
In this tirade, which can be viewed in all its profanity on YouTube, Mr. Nicholson accuses Lakers management of not trying hard enough to win and of not surrounding him with the kind of A-list talent he deserves.
"I'm sick and tired of having to be 'the face of the Lakers fans' every damn home game," said Mr. Nicholson. "If I'm too coked up to get down to Staples some night, there should be someone better than Dyan Cannon or Britney Spears to show on the tube."
Even though Mr. Nicholson has paid for his courtside season ticket seats through the 2008-09 season, he said he would rather sell them on eBay than support the Lakers any longer.
Somehow it is hard to imagine Mr. Nicholson being able to figure out the whole eBay thing, especially trying to set up a Paypal merchant services account. Perhaps he should donate the tickets to some poor orphans.
"I'm not going to jump up and down baiting referees and shouting myself hoarse for a team that can't get out of the first round in the playoffs," he said.
Mr. Nicholson's demand for a trade is expected to bring a number of inquiries from around the league, but few teams are in a position to offer the Lakers decent value for him.
With Kobe and Jack demanding trades, will Phil be next?
The Los Angeles Clippers have expressed an interest in Mr. Nicholson, but they would have to give up a lot more than undersized point fan, Billy Crystal, even though Mr. Nicholson wouldn't have to relocate if he went to the Clips.
A Jack-Nicholson-for-Kid-Rock-and-Bob-Seeger deal with Detroit sounds good at first blush, but Detroit is a fading franchise that could be as inept as the Lakers before long, and Mr. Nicholson has made it clear that he wants to end his rooting career with a contender.
San Antonio might be willing to part with Eva Longoria, who is still considered a project by many talent evaluators, but would Tony Parker be willing to let Mr. Nicholson jump into his arms and wrap his legs around him the next time the Spurs win a title?
Only the New York Knicks, who boast filmmaker Spike Lee as their franchise fan and count Alec Baldwin among their supporters, are in a position to structure a viable deal for Mr. Nicholson. Mr. Baldwin is said to be interested in such a trade because he would like to be in Los Angeles, where he could keep tabs better on his daughter, but Mr. Lee has the power to block that deal because he has a rare no-trade clause in his season-ticket contract with the Knicks.
Besides, said one general manager who asked to remain nameless, years of rooting for the Lakers have taken their toll on Mr. Nicholson's legs, and "his lateral movement isn't what it used to be."
Nevertheless, sports talk radio programs around the country were buzzing with speculation this morning. In one of the more popular scenarios being discussed, the New Orleans Hornets execute a sign and trade deal with Brad Pitt, then send him to Los Angeles for Mr. Nicholson.
In related news, Kobe Bryant said that although he would like to go to a team in a deal that included Mr. Nicholson, he realizes that professional basketball is a business, and he would be willing to play for a contender even if it meant "not being able to hang with Jack" after home games.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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