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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
PARIS - Rumors about Oprah Winfrey's shoplifting habits resurfaced after the talk show host and her posse had been turned away from a Hermes shop in Paris last week. Winfrey and company arrived at the Hermes store roughly fifteen minutes after its 6:30 p.m. closing.
When Winfrey asked if she could nip in for a moment to pick up a gift for Tina Turner, she was refused. A Hermes clerk, not wanting to risk offending Winfrey, explained that her request could not be accommodated because "stores like ours have been having problems with North African gangs of late."
In reality, Hermes employees had been warned not to admit Winfrey, 51, if she showed up after hours and "tried to pull that I'm-having-dinner-with-Tina-Turner-and I-need-to-buy-her-a-watch routine."
"The security department at Neiman Marcus in Dallas warned us a year ago about Winfrey's shoplifting habits," said a Hermes spokesperson. "After she had visited the Dallas store last summer, claiming she wanted to buy a watch for Ms. Turner, employees reported several watches, necklaces, and scarves valued at hundreds of thousands of dollars had gone missing."
Harrod's of London discovered similar losses last December after Winfrey and a group of her friends had turned up twenty minutes after the store had closed, asking if Winfrey could dash in to pick up a watch for Tina Turner.
"We were reluctant to press charges because we had no proof," said Trevor Jones-Lloyd, deputy director of security at Harrods.
"Accusing someone of Ms. Winfrey's stature and ethnicity of criminal activity could cost far more than the value of jewelry and handbags she and her cohorts might steal. Besides, who would believe that a person of her means would risk her reputation to steal things she could easily afford to buy?"
Oprah Winfrey is known for her hard-hitting interviews with the rich and fanous.
The explanation for such behavior is really quite simple, says A. William Williamson, Ed.D., a prominent Chicago-area psychologist: people who shoplift, even people as well-known as Oprah Winfrey and Winona Ryder, are trying to steal affection that they can't get any other way.
This judgement might seemingly apply to Ryder, whose popularity rivals that of cold sores these days, but Winfrey is lionized by all women and some men the world over. Nevertheless, says Williamson, it is instructive to note that Winfrey confines her shoplifting binges to summers and holidays, times when she is not recording her show and basking in the adulation of her studio audience.
"As long as Ms. Winfrey is filming, merchants are safe," said Williamson. "When she's left to her own devices, it's Katie bar the door."
Winfrey, meanwhile, claimed she had been denied special treatment at Hermes because she is black. Calling the incident her "Crash" moment—a reference to the film about the pervasiveness of racial prejudice against black talk show hosts—Winfrey said the refusal was "one of the most humiliating moments" of her life. She added that she planned to devote at least one program to the incident after her television show returns from hiatus in September.
In related news, a spokesperson for Tina Turner said yesterday that the singer could not recall having dinner with Winfrey during the last two years, must less accepting a stolen watch from her.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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