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Tom Cruise Gets His Own Psychiatric Syndrome
Jun 25, 2005, 15:52
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced today that Tom Cruise Syndrome—illustrated by a photo of Cruise dancing on Oprah Winfrey's couch—will be added to the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMMD). This 943-page stroll through the back alleys, dead ends, and cul-de-sacs of the mind describes the various mental conditions that are threatening enough to warrant treatment and, in some cases, physical restraint.
"We believe Mr. Cruise' aberrational behavior has risen to the level of a syndrome," said Bristol A. Satterfield, M.D., editor in chief of DSMMD. "If he doesn't receive treatment, he may eventually pose a threat to his career and to those around him."
Satterfield described the chief characteristics of Tom Cruise Syndrome (TCS) as boorishness, intolerance, insufferable smugness, a naive belief in crackpot religious theories, age inappropriate behavior, and an irrational disdain for psychiatric counseling and treatment. Anyone who has seen Cruise going berserk on television of late can't help noticing the man is in need of medication, if not jumper cable treatments.
Cruise' most recent meltdown occurred yesterday on NBC's "Today." Apart from braying repeatedly and exhibiting a distressing fondness for 1950s slang, Cruise appeared somewhat rational until host Matt Lauer mentioned the diminutive actor's mean-spirited attack on Brook Shields, who confessed in her recent book, Down Came the Rain Man, that she had used Paxil to treat her postpartum depression.
As Lauer recoiled instinctively, Cruise leaned forward in his seat and hissed, "Psychiatry is a pseudo-science that has to be destroyed." Cruise then accused Shields of "trafficking in misinformation." When Lauer attempted to point out that perhaps psychiatry had helped someone, somewhere, at some time in the world, Cruise cut him off.
Did you know humans are descended from aliens? I do!
"Do you know the history of psychiatry?" sneered Cruise. "Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know that Ritalin is now a street drug? Do you understand that? No! But I do."
Cruise, who must be one of the better read dyslexic high school dropouts in Hollywood, then called Lauer "glib." As Lauer attempted to regain control of his jaw muscles, Cruise shouted, "There's no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the brain. Scientology has demonstrated repeatedly that mood disorders can be monitored with mood rings and cured with vitamins, exercise, and regular high colonics."
At that Lauer lost whatever chance he had of keeping his mouth shut.
"You're telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences?" said Lauer. "Well, I'm telling you, I've lived with these people, and they're better."
Cruise' only comeback was accuse Lauer of "advocating" Ritalin, as though recommending a legal drug were somehow reprehensible. Lauer's reply was lost as NBC cut to a commercial, but according to people who watched the show carefully, Lauer appeared to be saying, "You're an ___hole" before the commercial cut in.
A source close to Lauer said the normally genial host was "really pissed off " by Cruise' performance.
"Matt lit into Tom off camera," said the source. "Can you blame him? Here's a guy (Cruise) who goes around pimping a religion that believes human beings are descended from aliens, and who behaves like an utter fool in public with this giggling airhead who's sixteen younger than he is and whose only claim to fame is the fact that she's the oldest virgin in Hollywood. I wouldn't be surprised if other talk show hosts didn't get in Cruise' grill. It'd serve the chump right. He ought to spend time lying on a couch instead of jumping on one."
In related news, the APA announced that Michael Jackson and Russell Crowe syndromes would also be included in the next edition of DSMMD.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
