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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
JonBenet Ramsey Death a Suicide, Said Late Mother Jun 25, 2006 - 8:57
MARIETTA, Ga. - The death of former beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey has been called a suicide by her mother, Patsy, who died of ovarian cancer Saturday at the age of forty-nine. The stunning revelation came in a certified letter, which was accompanied by JonBenet's alleged suicide note. Patsy Ramsey had mailed the letter to her attorney with instructions not to open it until after her death.
"As long as I was alive, I was determined to protect my daughter's name," wrote Mrs. Ramsey, "even if that meant being a suspect in her 'murder.' I always knew, however, that JonBenet would not have wanted the fear of being 'murdered' to prevent other little girls from entering beauty pageants. That is why I have decided to reveal the true cause of her death at this time. Besides, if I had come forward with the details of her suicide earlier, I might have had to return the trophies she had won, and that would have broken my heart."
According to Mrs. Ramsey, her daughter was distraught about gaining five pounds during the Thanksgiving-Christmas holidays, and she feared she would not be able to wear her Sally Starr costume in an upcoming pageant.
The day after Christmas 1996, JonBenet Ramsey, age six, was found dead in a wine cellar by her father, John Ramsey, in the family's house in Boulder, Colorado. A white rope, wrapped around her neck and one wrist, was tied to a stick; a heart was drawn in red ink on her left palm.
Mr. Ramsey told police he had removed duct tape from the child's mouth before carrying her body upstairs, compromising the crime scene the first of many times that day.
Eight hours before Mr. Ramsey discovered his daughter's body, his wife had found a ransom note on a staircase leading to the basement. The note, which has been called the War and Peace of ransom notes, demanded $118,000 for the safe return of JonBenet.
Although Patsy Ramsey told CNN in an exclusive interview on January 1, 1997, "There is a killer on the loose," police eventually came to suspect that she, her husband, and/or their son, Burke, then nine, was that killer.
Among the chief reasons for their suspicions were these: the ransom note was written on paper obtained from a tablet in the Ramsey house; the amount of the ransom demand, $118,000, equaled a Christmas bonus Mr. Ramsey had received recently; the handwriting on the ransom note was similar to Mrs. Ramsey's; there were no signs of forced entry to the house, nor were there footprints in the snow around the house.
For almost a decade a nation turned its lonely eyes to the JonBenet Ramsey "murder" case, yet after thousands of hours and millions of dollars and untold speculation, no indictments were ever handed down. Detectives are no closer to solving the case today than they were when it happened. It remains to be seen whether Mrs. Ramsey's letter and JonBenet's alleged suicide note will put paid to the matter or raise the stakes in the investigation.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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