Search Caitlyn The World's First Transgender Search Engine
Your Daily Horoscope (Ramp Accessible)
Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Strike a blow for freedom. Download music on the down low today. You can't beat the price. Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Rachael Ray Sex Videos Stun Food Network Jun 26, 2006 - 9:14
"I like my chocolate and my men dark!"
NEW YORK - A pair of explicit sex videos starring Rachael Ray, the irrepressible cook Americans love to hate, are spreading on the Internet like a grease fire, much to the dismay of Food Network executives. The videos, which poke ribald fun at two of Ms. Ray's most popular shows, depict the perky, small-breasted cook having loud, raucous sex with a variety of partners and food stuffs.
In the first video, Thirty-Minute Menages, Ms. Ray bounds onto a kitchen set wearing nothing but an apron adorned with the inscription "You Are What You Eat!"
"Hi, I'm Rachael Ray!" she announces, "and I'll bet you've never seen a kitchen with stirrups in it before! Awesome! In the next thirty minutes I'm going to show you how you can whip up a tasty, wholesome meal while balling your brains out, and without burning your butt on the stove! Awesome! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Let's get cooking!"
Ms. Ray then whips off her apron and twirls it wantonly over her head. As she is joined on the set by two impressive-looking men in loincloths, she giggles, "Meat! It's what's for dinner! Bring on the EVOO!"
The second video, Rachael Ray for $40 a Day, features the spunky, 5'3" dynamo having sex in "several famous cities" around the world in lodgings that cost $40 a day or fewer.
"No matter where I serve my guests, they like me in the kitchen best!"
"Hi! This is Rachael Ray!" the video begins, "and I'm here to tell you, you don't have to spend a lot of money having sex on clean, six-hundred-thread count sheets to have a good time! I'm also here to tell you I'm not wearing any underwear! Hee, hee, hee!
"Sex is sex whether you're staring at a ceiling with a mural or with spider webs on it!" continues Ms. Ray with her trademark downward wave of her hand. "Of course, my favorite ceilings are the ones with mirrors on 'em! Hee, hee, hee! But at the end of the day, all ceilings look alike when your eyes are closed!"
The timing of the Rachael Ray videos, which are believed to have been shot in Ms. Ray's upstate New York home studio with a few of her friends, could not be more worrisome to the Food Network's big cheeses. Despite being lampooned on websites like Rachael Ray Sucks, the button-nose cook is a cash cow. In addition to starring on several cooking shows on the Food Network, the impish Ms. Ray has written half a dozen best-selling cookbooks, has her own daytime talk show, and will launch her own magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, shortly.
"She's poised to become the white Oprah," said a Food Network source. "I hope she hasn't screwed the pooch with these videos."
In other news, Paris Hilton finished ahead of Tara Reid, Kimberly Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, and Lindsay Lohan's mother in the latest Postcards from the Pug Bus poll: "Which of the following is most likely to be harboring a sexually transmitted disease?" Ms. Hilton snatched 54 percent of the votes, while Ms. Reid came down with 27 percent. Lindsay Lohan and her mother tied for third with 8 percent each. The remainder went to Ms. Stewart.
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).