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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Rachael Ray Sex Videos Stun Food Network Jun 26, 2006 - 9:14
"I like my chocolate and my men dark!"
NEW YORK - A pair of explicit sex videos starring Rachael Ray, the irrepressible cook Americans love to hate, are spreading on the Internet like a grease fire, much to the dismay of Food Network executives. The videos, which poke ribald fun at two of Ms. Ray's most popular shows, depict the perky, small-breasted cook having loud, raucous sex with a variety of partners and food stuffs.
In the first video, Thirty-Minute Menages, Ms. Ray bounds onto a kitchen set wearing nothing but an apron adorned with the inscription "You Are What You Eat!"
"Hi, I'm Rachael Ray!" she announces, "and I'll bet you've never seen a kitchen with stirrups in it before! Awesome! In the next thirty minutes I'm going to show you how you can whip up a tasty, wholesome meal while balling your brains out, and without burning your butt on the stove! Awesome! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Let's get cooking!"
Ms. Ray then whips off her apron and twirls it wantonly over her head. As she is joined on the set by two impressive-looking men in loincloths, she giggles, "Meat! It's what's for dinner! Bring on the EVOO!"
The second video, Rachael Ray for $40 a Day, features the spunky, 5'3" dynamo having sex in "several famous cities" around the world in lodgings that cost $40 a day or fewer.
"No matter where I serve my guests, they like me in the kitchen best!"
"Hi! This is Rachael Ray!" the video begins, "and I'm here to tell you, you don't have to spend a lot of money having sex on clean, six-hundred-thread count sheets to have a good time! I'm also here to tell you I'm not wearing any underwear! Hee, hee, hee!
"Sex is sex whether you're staring at a ceiling with a mural or with spider webs on it!" continues Ms. Ray with her trademark downward wave of her hand. "Of course, my favorite ceilings are the ones with mirrors on 'em! Hee, hee, hee! But at the end of the day, all ceilings look alike when your eyes are closed!"
The timing of the Rachael Ray videos, which are believed to have been shot in Ms. Ray's upstate New York home studio with a few of her friends, could not be more worrisome to the Food Network's big cheeses. Despite being lampooned on websites like Rachael Ray Sucks, the button-nose cook is a cash cow. In addition to starring on several cooking shows on the Food Network, the impish Ms. Ray has written half a dozen best-selling cookbooks, has her own daytime talk show, and will launch her own magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, shortly.
"She's poised to become the white Oprah," said a Food Network source. "I hope she hasn't screwed the pooch with these videos."
In other news, Paris Hilton finished ahead of Tara Reid, Kimberly Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, and Lindsay Lohan's mother in the latest Postcards from the Pug Bus poll: "Which of the following is most likely to be harboring a sexually transmitted disease?" Ms. Hilton snatched 54 percent of the votes, while Ms. Reid came down with 27 percent. Lindsay Lohan and her mother tied for third with 8 percent each. The remainder went to Ms. Stewart.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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