Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Rachael Ray Sex Videos Stun Food Network
Jun 26, 2006, 09:14
"I like my chocolate and my men dark!"
NEW YORK - A pair of explicit sex videos starring Rachael Ray, the irrepressible cook Americans love to hate, are spreading on the Internet like a grease fire, much to the dismay of Food Network executives. The videos, which poke ribald fun at two of Ms. Ray's most popular shows, depict the perky, small-breasted cook having loud, raucous sex with a variety of partners and food stuffs.
In the first video, Thirty-Minute Menages, Ms. Ray bounds onto a kitchen set wearing nothing but an apron adorned with the inscription "You Are What You Eat!"
"Hi, I'm Rachael Ray!" she announces, "and I'll bet you've never seen a kitchen with stirrups in it before! Awesome! In the next thirty minutes I'm going to show you how you can whip up a tasty, wholesome meal while balling your brains out, and without burning your butt on the stove! Awesome! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Let's get cooking!"
Ms. Ray then whips off her apron and twirls it wantonly over her head. As she is joined on the set by two impressive-looking men in loincloths, she giggles, "Meat! It's what's for dinner! Bring on the EVOO!"
The second video, Rachael Ray for $40 a Day, features the spunky, 5'3" dynamo having sex in "several famous cities" around the world in lodgings that cost $40 a day or fewer.
"No matter where I serve my guests, they like me in the kitchen best!"
"Hi! This is Rachael Ray!" the video begins, "and I'm here to tell you, you don't have to spend a lot of money having sex on clean, six-hundred-thread count sheets to have a good time! I'm also here to tell you I'm not wearing any underwear! Hee, hee, hee!
"Sex is sex whether you're staring at a ceiling with a mural or with spider webs on it!" continues Ms. Ray with her trademark downward wave of her hand. "Of course, my favorite ceilings are the ones with mirrors on 'em! Hee, hee, hee! But at the end of the day, all ceilings look alike when your eyes are closed!"
The timing of the Rachael Ray videos, which are believed to have been shot in Ms. Ray's upstate New York home studio with a few of her friends, could not be more worrisome to the Food Network's big cheeses. Despite being lampooned on websites like Rachael Ray Sucks, the button-nose cook is a cash cow. In addition to starring on several cooking shows on the Food Network, the impish Ms. Ray has written half a dozen best-selling cookbooks, has her own daytime talk show, and will launch her own magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, shortly.
"She's poised to become the white Oprah," said a Food Network source. "I hope she hasn't screwed the pooch with these videos."
In other news, Paris Hilton finished ahead of Tara Reid, Kimberly Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, and Lindsay Lohan's mother in the latest Postcards from the Pug Bus poll: "Which of the following is most likely to be harboring a sexually transmitted disease?" Ms. Hilton snatched 54 percent of the votes, while Ms. Reid came down with 27 percent. Lindsay Lohan and her mother tied for third with 8 percent each. The remainder went to Ms. Stewart.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.