postcards from the pug bus
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Ms. Hilton left the detention center at 12:15 this morning, looking as radiant as a virgin bride embarking on her honeymoon. She blew kisses to a waiting throng of fans and reporters, then was driven to a secret location where she spoke to THEM Weekly's religion editor, Biff Scuzzy, about her recent discovery of god.
Biff Scuzzy: What's the most important thing you learned during your stay in jail?
Paris Hilton: I learned so much about myself, about my life, and about god, who loves me for who I am, that I hardly know where to start. I guess the most important thing I learned is that I don't like orange as much as I thought I did. After three days in that orange prison jump suit, I was ready to scream, so they sent me home, but the judge got mad about that.
BS: Is that why Sheriff Baca tried to send you home early, because you didn't like your jumpsuit?
PH: Yep. I was busting out in hives and almost having a nervous breakdown. I had never worn the same thing for three days in a row in my life. It was freaking me out.
BS: I believe you mentioned something about god?
PH: I had gone to the trouble of shopping for some new summer things to take to jail—some cool two-piece outfits and three or four dozen summer dresses.
BS: Uh, about the god thing?
PH: Jesus loves me, Biff. He really loves me. Isn't that neat? And not just because I'm rich and I'm hot. He would love me even if I wasn't rich and hot, thought I don't know why anybody wouldn't want to be rich or hot. Or why god would want to love people who aren't rich or hot.
BS: When did you first discover that Jesus loves you?
PH: Right after I was returned to jail and they got my meds adjusted. I had this awesome dream where I was in this club and everybody left to go to another club, but I couldn't get out of my seat. I started to call for my mother and to scream, "This isn't right," when a beautiful man appeared at my table. From the way he was dressed I thought I had died and gone to a costume party, but then he told me who he was and that he loved me. I talk to him all the time now.
PH: Oh yes. He's the one who told me I was too old to be acting dumb any more. He said it was time to let people see what a good person I am and how intelligent I can be.
BS: How do you plan to do that?
PH: I'm going to do good works like Mother Teresa did. Have you heard of Mother Teresa?
BS: Yes. She and I go back a long way. I knew her when she was Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu.
BS: "Agnes" was her maiden name.
PH: Oh. I didn't know she was married.
BS: Just joking, Paris. If you're going to be like Mother Teresa, does that mean you're going to live among the poor.
PH: I would, gladly, but that's not part of god's plan for me. He wants me to use my celebrity and my good looks to help the poor, so I'm going to start a Paris Hilton Hotline.
BS: A hotline? How the hell's that going to help the poor?
PH: Please don't swear, Biff. It hurts god's ears.
BS: Sorry, big guy. But about that hotline . . .
PH: The press always says the meanest things about me, you know. If I trip coming out of a club, they say I'm drunk again. If I have an accident in a cab, they say I've been drinking. That's why god wants me to start a hotline.
BS: You lost me in the cab.
PH: God told me to start a hotline to counteract the bad things written about me, so if my fans read on the Internet that I've passed out in a parking lot, they can call the hotline to get my side of the story. The calls to the hotline only cost a dollar a minute, and half of that will go to charities. I'll even pay for the overhead out of my half.
BS: That's mighty generous of you.
PH: Thank you, Biff, but it's nothing really. God told me that when you already have all the money you could possibly need, you ought to give away some of any extra money that you get. Say, do you have any more questions about me and poor people and stuff?
BS: I do. Why?
PH: I've got to get some sleep now so I'll look good on Larry King tomorrow night. He thinks he's the first person who's going to be interviewing me. Perhaps you could call my hotline with the rest of your questions? Just dial 1-888-THE-HILT. God bless you and all your readers, Biff.