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Tom Cruise Brokered Spice Girls Reunion
Jun 29, 2007, 06:41
LOS ANGELES - The Spice Girls are reuniting for a world tour, and we can thank Tom Cruise for that. The diminutive actor is rumored to have stepped in and brokered the reunion deal after negotiations between Geri Halliwell (Old Spice) and the rest of the group had broken down.
Ms. Halliwell, 34, left the group in 1998 to pursue a solo career that could not be considered a success by any stretch of the imagination. Nevertheless she wanted to perform her "greatest hits" in her own segment of the concerts on the reunion tour—until Mr. Cruise convinced her to put aside that demand.
Mr. Cruise's behind-the-scenes work in reuniting the Spice Girls will no doubt come as a surprise to many journalists who snickered that he had befriended Alien Spice because he had a hot nut for her husband, footballer David Beckham. While bloggers made sport of Mr. Cruise, whom they nicknamed "Fruity Spice," he was quietly laying the groundwork for the reunion of Britain's biggest girl band ever.
Not that Mr. Cruise didn't have an ulterior motive. As he told a press conference yesterday, he was "inspired" to broker the Spice Girls reunion because their fans, "many of whom have reached the age of puberty now," don't have decent role models to emulate.
"Lindsay Lohan is a hopeless drunk; Britney Spears is a nut job; Fergie is a slut. There's no one for my daughter to look up to."
From left: Alien Spice, Allspice, Old Spice, Mild Spice, and DNA Spice.
Like so many Spice Girls fans, Isabella Kidman Cruise, now 14, has finally reached puberty. Indeed, some Spice Girls fans are old enough to drive, and, rumor has it, a few may even be old enough to vote in some countries. Clearly these young ladies need the inspiration of their former idols at such critical rites of passage.
With the exception of DNA Spice, who committed the unquestionable folly of having a talking donkey's child, the other Spice Girls, including Mild Spice and Allspice, have been models of rectitude.
According to someone close to the group, the Spice Girls will begin their reunion tour on December 7 at the Chuck E. Cheese theater in Los Angeles.
In related news, the Teletubbies, Britain's hottest-selling pre-school band ever, will open for the Spice Girls at selected stops on their tour.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
