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Tom Cruise Rips Brooke Shields in Birthday Interview
Jul 3, 2005, 09:49
HOLLYWOOD - Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed yesterday that he is "much older" than the forty three years he has spent in his present body. Indeed, said Cruise during a half-hour conference call with selected reporters from his fan clubs' newsletters, he is "old beyond reckoning." What's more, his current life is "probably one of the least satisfying" he has led.
"I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases," said Cruise. "I only took my present form because Bingodulla, whom all Scientologists worship as the Supreme Thetan, selected me to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, uninformed masses. I really would have preferred being a brain surgeon or a research scientist in this life."
Cruise said he became aware that he "had been here before," when he read the complete works of Shakespeare in a month, despite being dyslexic, not long after dropping out of high school.
"Shakespeare was deja vu for me," said Cruise. "It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That's why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making "War of the Worlds" and all those other great movies can't compare to writing "Romeo and Juliet" or the sonnets.
Tom wasn't expecting a whoopie cushion when he eased into Oprah's couch.
The mention of Romeo and Juliet naturally led to a discussion of Cruise' highly visible relationship with actress Katie Holmes, 26, to whom Cruise, 43, recently became engaged.
"Kate's a magnificent, wonderful woman, whom I have known many times in many lives before," said Cruise. "When I was languishing in prison before being sent to exile, she used to send me notes hidden in the collar of her pug dog. She's my eternal soulmate."
Cruise then explained that the "sheer joy of finding Katie" again was something non-Scientologists can't understand.
"I know the history of this woman; other people don't," said Cruise. "Until you've been with a partner in countless past lives, you'll never know the joy of rediscovering that partner in your present life. It's a joy I wish for all of you."
In addition to recognizing his days of future passed in the works of Shakespeare and Bach—and in the achievements of Columbus and Napoleon—Cruise recognizes the continuing reappearance of "Anti-Thetanic forces," such as Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, with whom he has clashed in former lives.
"I could tell you stories about Brooke," said Cruise. "She was the mistress of Sigmund Freud, you know. Is it any wonder she promotes his discredited theories? She's so confused. Her engrams have engrams, and until she faces the source of the pain trapped in those engrams from former lives, she'll continue to do herself and her followers harm."
In related news, Cruise said that he expected Dakota Fanning, 11, his co-star in "War of the Worlds," to profess her faith in Scientology "before too much longer."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
