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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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President Bush Commutes Harry Potter Death Sentence
Jul 3, 2007, 09:23
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush announced yesterday that he is prepared to commute Harry Potter's death sentence should he die in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the grossly popular series.

"I respect J.R. Rowling and her decisions as an author," said Mr. Bush in a written statement, "but I have concluded that killing Harry Potter would be excessive and would serve no purpose, other than giving millions of young readers nightmares. Therefore, if Harry Potter dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows, I will move swiftly to commute that portion of his sentence. A young life is a terrible thing to waste."

The president refused to establish a timetable for commuting Mr. Potter's death sentence, but sources close to the White House expect the commutation to follow swiftly on the heels of the final Harry Potter book's publication.


Correction: In Sunday's late edition of Postcards from the Pug Bus, the following quote from Michelle Wie was incorrect: "They are so imitating me—all these Songs, Parks, Kims, whatever."

Ms. Wie did not say "Parks." What she actually said was "Lees." Our bad.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.