You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
LONDON - Angelina Jolie's decision to adopt an Ethiopian baby has sparked rumors that her current leading man, Brad Pitt, is sterile. "Mr. Smith Shooting Blanks" laughed a headline in today's Sun, London's tabloid conscience. "This Stud's a Dud," jeered the rival Mirror.
Both journals reported that Pitt and Jolie had tried unsuccessfully "for months" to have a baby. Finally, after "a bizarre regimen of vitamin pills, fertility drugs, chanting, contorted sexual positions, and a furtive, midnight trip to Stonehenge," Jolie announced last week that she was going to Ethiopia to adopt a baby girl and that Pitt "could tag along if he wanted or stay at home and pout."
Pitt opted for a face-saving trip to Ethiopia with Jolie and her three-year-old adopted Cambodian son Maddox, whose name means "he who is carried around constantly by a famous movie star." After arriving in Ethiopia, Jolie filed papers that would make her the adoptive single parent of a baby girl, not yet one year old, who was orphaned by AIDS. According to Jolie, the baby will be named Zahara Marley Jolie. Jolie denied that the baby's first name was misspelled or that her middle name means she will be raised a Rastafarian.
Pitt, whose peculiar butterscotch hair color is rumored to be the result of all the testosterone injections he's had, was said to be "put out" by Jolie's decision to adopt. He had been hinting to friends that he and Jolie "might be collaborating on an off-screen production." Now he's telling people her decision to adopt was prompted by another development.
"Brad said Angelina was keen on adopting a second child right away now that Maddox has learned to walk," said Pitt's ex-fiancee Gwyneth Paltrow, who chatted with Pitt backstage at London's Live 8 concert last Saturday. "As Maddox was seldom photographed out of Jolie's arms," said Paltrow cattily, "rumors had begun to circulate that he was not walking yet."
What was she thinking when she gave that child a Travis Bickle haircut?
As for the rumors of Pitt's sterility, Paltrow denied, after rolling her eyes slightly, that Pitt's inability to give her the child she wanted had anything to do with her decision to call off their wedding in June 1997, after the couple had been engaged for seven months. Not everyone found her denial convincing, however.
"Wouldn't that be ironic," crowed a late-breaking report on US Weekly's website, "especially after all Brad's posturing about dumping Jennifer Aniston because he wanted children and she didn't. How bad does it look when your new love starts adopting babies right and left—and your former fiancee has a child with an anemic-looking Brit (Coldplay's Chris Martin) who writes anemic-sounding songs?"
It also looks significant, said US Weekly, that Jolie is adopting as a single mother.
"Angelina sees Brad as a baby sitter, not a baby maker," said a friend of Jolie's who was quoted in the US Weekly report. "That's why she was adamant about adopting as a single mother. Brad's been a little sensitive about that, and he didn't appreciate having to take a sterility test either."
The friend declined to say whether Pitt passed the test or not, but she hinted that Jolie wasn't the first woman with whom Pitt "had come up short in the reproduction department. Nobody wants skim milk when the recipe calls for cream," said the friend with a wink.
In other news, President George W. Bush, who mowed down a Scottish police officer while riding a bicycle on the grounds of the estate where the G8 summit will be held, has denied that he was listening to a bootleg recording of the Live 8 concert in London on his iPod when the accident occurred.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
