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Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency
Nov 5, 2009, 08:28
WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2010-1 terrorist-attack season begins September 1.
"Al Qaeda's a real sleeper this year," said a Pentagon scout. "They're stronger than they've been since the 2001 season. I think they're going to surprise a lot of people."
After failing to make any real noise the last two seasons, Al Qaeda went quietly about changing its roster dramatically. General manager and head of terrorist operations Osama Bin Laden sent a handful of old operatives with fat contracts to Iran in exchange for a number of talented free agents and top draft picks.
"They had an excellent training camp this year, and they did well in the Middle East Fall Terrorist League," said a Homeland Security official. "They appear to have developed a real chemistry quickly, and they seem capable of fielding a team that plots together well, unlike their recent teams, whose members were more interested in padding their own statistics.
"If we don't play good defense, we're dead."
"In addition to players who can move with or without the bomb," said the official, "they've got front line players with an explosive first step and a killer finish. They're capable of creating real match-up problems."
To make matters worse for Al Qaeda opponents, the 2010-11 team is still well under the salary cap and will have a lot of money to spend on more free-agent signings again next year. Indeed, if Al Qaeda has any weakness, it might be a plethora of talent.
"Everybody's going to want the bomb when it's crunch time," said the official. "They might not have enough bombs to go around."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
