Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Jude Law Apologizes to a Burnt Sienna Miller Again
Jul 20, 2005, 10:06
LONDON - Jude Law, fresh off his wrenchingly public Sunday apology to ex-fiancee Sienna Miller, has issued a second mea culpa to her for seducing Daisy Wright, the nanny of one of his children. This time around Law, 32, has also apologized to Ms. Miller's mother, his ex-wife Sadie Frost, and his three kids. Law also apologized specifically for calling the child who caught him in bed with Wright "a stinking liar."
In a full-page advert that appeared in today's The Times, Law wrote: "I wish to say how heartily and profoundly sorry I am for the pain I have caused Sienna's mum, my close friend and former wife Sadie, and my three children, especially the one who caught me having it off with Daisy. You know who you are, and you know Daddy can't mention you by name because he would never do anything to compromise your peace of mind or security. Just know that Daddy didn't mean you stink, nor was he trying to hurt Daisy or to stab her with anything."
Some people interpreted Law's second apology as a ploy for sympathy and "a bloody transparent attempt at swaying public opinion," which has been running four to one against Law in most polls. Indeed, in a recent "Screw 'em or Spare 'em" poll conducted by London's tabloid conscience, The Sun, Law tracked as poorly as Camilla Parker Bowles had done in the months following Princess Diana's assassination.
"One usually has to be caught shagging a sheep in the village commons to track that badly," chuckled popular television presenter So Graham Norton.
The nanny who launched a thousand apologies.
Others claimed that Law, People magazine's reigning sexiest man alive, is so obsessed with living up to that title that he's incapable of considering anyone else's needs but his own.
"Like he really cares about other people's feelings," sneered embattled amateur porn star Colin Farrell. "That poofter doesn't know what trouble is. At least no one's got a video of him doing cartwheels in the nude with a bimbo who wants to release the video on the Internet and god know where else."
A source close to Law—though not, she claimed, "in the Biblical sense"—believes the Alfie star's dismay is genuine.
"Jude's got the weight of the world on his shoulders right now," said the source. "He's determined to keep apologizing until someone forgives him and relieves him of his guilt. When I saw him last, he was preparing an apology to Prime Minister Blair, Queen Elizabeth, The Church of England, and the Royal Shakespeare Society. He's truly more to be pitied than to be scorned."
In related news, bookies have set the odds at 12 to 1 against a reconciliation between Law and Miller. Odds involving Daisy Wright include: appears on talk show in the United States within a week, 3 to 5; sells diary entries to a tabloid by week's end, 3 to 5; signs a book contract in the next fortnight, 4 to 5; has secret videotape of a tryst with Law, even money.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
