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Michael Vick Puppy Soccer Game Pulled by Madden
Jul 20, 2007, 08:52
NEW YORK - Michael Vick's Ultimate Puppy Soccer (UPS), a high-concept video game that had been scheduled for a September release, has been pulled by the Madden Group following allegations that Mr. Vick hosted actual soccer games in which puppies were used instead of balls at his southeast Virginia retreat.
"We were all set to release this puppy and then bam," said John Madden, Hall of Fame football coach and the face of the Madden Group.
"We thought, you know, that Michael was having a few laughs while trying to capitalize on the soccer buzz that's hit this country; but pow, we find out on ESPN that Michael really was using puppies as soccer balls. That's kinda gross."
A spokesman for Electronic Arts Tiburon (EAT), which developed the popular John Madden football series, said that Mr. Vick had sold the company a sanitized version of UPS, swearing that no puppies had been harmed during its production.
"Michael assured us that he and his associates at Bad Newz Beckham kennels were breeding designer puppies for the pet shop market," said the EAT official, "and that in order to socialize the puppies, Michael would turn them lose one at a time and try to herd them across a goal. That's the game we thought we were buying.
"Come to find out, Michael and his friends actually were using puppies for soccer balls and hosting matches at which thousand of dollars in wagers changed hands. Furthermore, he and his friends were breeding black-and-white dogs that resembled soccer balls, and any dogs that were born with insufficient black markings were electrocuted or drowned or used in pick-up games of dodge puppy until they were dead. We were horrified when photos of dead puppies and bloody soccer goals were discovered at Mr. Vick's retreat."
According to an eighteen-page grand jury indictment handed down in Richmond, Virginia, July 17, Mr. Vick and three associates are charged with buying and employing puppies for sport, cruelty to animals, illegal gambling, traveling across state lines to participate in illegal activity, and failure to have their puppies vaccinated in a timely manner.
The American Kennel Club (AKC), with which Mr. Vick registered his puppies, said it could take no action against him as long as his paperwork was in order.
"We are a licensing organization, not an oversight group," said the AKC spokesman. "Our purpose is to safeguard people who want to buy a quality AKC puppy."
The debate over whether or not Michael Vick should be allowed to continue registering puppies with the AKC will no doubt continue for a long time. Meanwhile, the last word in this sordid affair goes to John Madden, who jokingly told an ESPN reporter, "Whoever would have thought that Marcus Vick would turn out to be the good brother?"
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
