Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Brad Pitt Makes Scrutinized Public Appearance
Jul 22, 2005, 08:11
BEVERLY HILLS - Brad Pitt made a run-of- the-mill, buss-and-bolt appearance at the annual Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon Wednesday.
Pitt's reason for attending—to accept a $250,000 check on behalf of the Film Foundation Inc., which restores old movies—was hardly the stuff of mild interest, let alone major news. The media conspired, nevertheless, to treat the occasion as if were somehow a momentous event.
"Pitt sends 'I'm OK' message to his fans," declared the Los Angeles Times' lifestyle section.
"A gallant Brad Pitt, who made a $250,000 donation to the foreign press association at the group's annual luncheon yesterday, betrayed no after effects of the severe case of spinal meningitis that had him fighting for his life in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center just ten days ago. Pitt even kissed presenter Emmy Rossum on the cheek to let fans know it was safe to approach him on the street or in the supermarket."
Emmy Rossum grins inanely while calculating her odds of being infected by Brad Pitt.
The New York Post, never content to stop bravely at the surface of any event, made much of Pitt's entrance at the luncheon.
"Brad Pitt May Be Critically Ill," blared the Post's headline.
"Defying doctors' advice, Brad Pitt attended the Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon yesterday to accept a $500,000 check for an Ethiopian charity. Although he appeared to be fit and tanned, Pitt was obviously not recovered from the severe case of spinal meningitis that nearly killed him following his return from Africa two weeks ago. Indeed, Pitt may still be infectious. Why else would he arrive at and depart from luncheon through a back door instead the red carpet? And why else would presenter Emmy Rossum look as if she had just been kissed by a cobra after Pitt had bussed her lightly on the cheek?"
How now, brown pal.
In a different-strokes-for-different-folks take on Pitt's appearance, Entertainment Tonight reported: "Pitt makes retro fashion statement at foreign press affair."
"Brad Pitt—whom we have reason to believe checked into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center last week to receive Botox injections, not treatment for a near-fatal attack of viral meningitis—threw down the fashion gauntlet when he appeared in a quasi-formal white jacket and stone-washed jeans at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon at the Beverly Hills Hotel yesterday. Pitt's ensemble, which said, 'I'm a little bit formal and a little bit rock 'n' roll,' was in sharp contrast to Kevin Bacon's cowpie-brown-on-brown sharkskin jacket and polyester shirt, not to mention Peter Falk's senile-looking Tony Soprano wannabe shirt."
Scientology Today chose to use Pitt's appearance to denounce antibiotics in a report whose headline asserted: "Pitt Treats Symptoms Not Cause."
"I thought we were having lunch at the senior center today."
The article, which was bylined "TomKat," charged that Pitt was "deluding himself and doing meningitis sufferers everywhere a great disservice" if he thought antibiotics had "cured" his condition.
"Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad," wrote TomKat. "You're so glib. You don't know the history of antibiotics. We do. That's why we would never take them. We can cure whatever diseases our engrams send our way with nothing more than exercise, vitamins, and regular enemas."
In other news, Senator Ted Kennedy charged yesterday that President Bush's Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts, is "too white to be in touch with the psychological needs and food preferences of an increasingly multiracial American food court."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
