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President Bush Sues Dixie Chicks over Hail to the Chief
Jul 26, 2006, 09:00
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Acting on information gained from cell phone surveillance, President Bush filed suit in a Washington, D.C., court yesterday to stop the Dixie Chicks from using "Hail to the Chief" to herald their arrival on stage during their present concert tour.
The president's lawyers argued in a 225-page brief that the Chicks' continued use of the song could "materially and significantly harm the image of the presidency, which harm, during a time of war such as this, could well constitute an act of treason as defined specifically but not exclusively in the Patriot Act."
The Dixie Chicks, whose lead singer Natalie Maines once told a British audience that the group was ashamed of the fact that the president came from Texas, could not be reached for comment. A source close to the group said its members were busy writing thank you notes to everyone "brave enough to attend their concerts in a country run by a two-bit, butthole dictator."
With his approval ratings in erectile dysfunction, President Bush has become increasingly sensitive to the national security implications of criticism from entertainers. He authorized the FBI to monitor cell phone usage by fans on the Dixie Chicks current tour, which began July 21 in Detroit. While reviewing cell phone transmissions from that show, the FBI discovered that the Dixie Chicks arrived on stage to the strains of "Hail to the Chief."
Presidential press secretary, Tony Snow, defended the government's right to spy on music fans at concerts.
"We are well aware that many people turn their cell phones on and hold them up during concerts," said Mr. Snow, a former television personality. "Because we have legitimate concerns that this practice might provide terrorists with a means of communicating with each other, we decided to monitor cell phone usage at a random selection of concerts. That the Dixie Chicks and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young were the first groups designated for surveillance is entirely coincidental. What's more, our surveillance of cell phone usage does not extend to the private calls of entertainers on tour, except as such calls might be monitored in other kinds of legitimate surveillance."
Mr. Snow warned that if the Dixie Chicks did not cease and desist immediately, the government could not rule out military action to force compliance. In addition, said Mr. Snow, "the president is seriously considering asking Congress to pass an amendment to the constitution forbidding the use of "Hail to the Chief" at any events at which the president is not physically present."
In related news, Israeli fighter pilots bombed the Tweeter Centre in Beirut, Lebanon, yesterday, killing 2,861 fans at a Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) concert. Using U.S.-supplied fighter planes, the pilots dropped six, five-hundred-pound, U.S.-supplied bombs on the centre just as Mr. Islam arrived on stage to the tune of "Hava Nagila."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
