You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Cameron Diaz Replacing Nancy Grace on Court TV
Jul 30, 2005, 08:53
ATLANTA - Cameron Diaz and her simpering smile will replace Nancy Grace and her self-righteous nostrils in the anchor seat of Closing Arguments, seen at 3 p.m. weekdays on Court TV. In announcing the change, William D. Faux, programming director at Court TV, allowed that Diaz' recent legal victories were "among the relevant factors" in the network's decision.
"Cameron has walked the walk here lately, while Nancy merely talks the talk," said Faux.
In the last week Diaz, 32, has bitch slapped two legal opponents silly. Yesterday London's tabloid conscience, The Sun, agreed to pay Diaz "substantial" damages for falsely reporting that she had had an affair with a married man who is the father of a one-year-old daughter. The Sun's article was touted by a catchy headline, "Diaz Drops Knickers for Nickerson," which appeared on the tabloid's front page on May 12 this year.
Having gotten its readers attention, The Sun reported that Diaz and Shane Nickerson, a producer of Diaz' MTV show, Trippin', had been caught "having a three-minute snog" in the bushes behind a Santa Monica House of Pancakes. At the time of the alleged snogging, Diaz' current boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, 24, was in hospital for a throat operation, too.
Only three days before she eclipsed The Sun, Diaz had prevailed in court over John Rutter, a photographer who had taken topless photos of Diaz twelve years ago and then attempted to sell them back to her for $3.5 million in 1993. Rutter was convicted of forgery, attempted grand theft, and perjury. He faces up to six years of dodgy treatment in prison.
Diaz' impressive track record was not the only reason Nancy Grace was treated with some contempt by Court TV.
"Nancy had tested poorly among a target group we dearly covet—people who don't move their lips when they read," said Faux. "Our research indicates that people in this group were turned off by Nancy's lack of subtlety, manners, and sense of fair play, by her bullying tactics, grating voice, and rampant sexual hostility toward men, and by her unfortunate resemblance to Tweety Bird.
In addition, the station was growing increasingly sensitive about that fact that Grace had been cited three times for improprieties during her brief career as a prosecutor: for making an improper final argument, for withholding information from the defense, and for playing fast and loose with ethics.
Despite Nancy's fall from Grace on Court TV, she will continue to host CNN Headline News, which is so desperate for ratings that it's willing to tolerate her over-the-top antics such as ripping the head off an O.J. Simpson doll on camera or biting a Michael Jackson fan outside the Santa Maria courthouse.
Meanwhile, a member of Cameron Diaz' legal team says Diaz is looking forward to "continuing her association with the legal system." According to some accounts, Diaz is "fascinated by the law" and is even thinking about attending law school "at some point in the future."
Grace, 45, refused to talk to reporters about her firing. In a tersely worded statement released by her agent, Grace accused Court TV of "blatant age discrimination." She also said that Diaz "wouldn't recognize a legal precedent if it bit her on her fake boobs."
In related news, the National Enquirer, which also reported that Cameron Diaz was having an affair with Shane Nickerson, now says that the staffer who submitted that story has been abducted by aliens.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
