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Mel Gibson Blames Tirade on People Magazine Curse
Jul 31, 2006, 08:00
Mel Gibson on the side of the Pacific Coast Highway (3:29 a.m., July 28).
MALIBU - Mel Gibson, who called a Los Angeles County policewoman "sugar tits" during an obscenity-filled tirade last Friday, blamed "the curse of People magazine's sexiest-man-alive award" for his behavior.
Mr. Gibson, 50, was pulled over at 3:10 a.m. on the Pacific Coast Highway for driving 80 mph in a 45-mph zone. His blood-alcohol level, .12 percent, was 50 percent higher than the maximum level permitted by law.
In addition to making various anti-Semitic remarks in the presence of the officers who had detained him—and blaming "the f*ck*ng Jews for starting every f*ck*ing war in history"—Mr. Gibson turned his wrath on a policewoman at the scene: "What the f*ck are you staring at, sugar tits?"
Speaking through his publicist on Saturday, Mr. Gibson apologized to the policewoman for his "despicable and unthoughtful" remarks. He also said that he hadn't been himself recently and that like other winners of People's sexiest-man-alive award, he struggled under its burdens.
"I was the first winner of that f*ucking award," said Mr. Gibson, "and as such I set the standard for male beauty on this planet. Every year since my ground-breaking victory in 1985, I've had to compare myself to the parade of dickheads who came after me to see if I could still cut the mustard, male-beauty wise. Even though I'm still as pretty as any of those faggots, the pressure is sometimes more than even I, the owner of Mailbu, can bear.
"Look at that poor bastard JFK, Jr., (People's 1988 winner)" Mr. Gibson continued. "First he marries a total f*ck*ng dog that I wouldn't be caught having oral sex with even with a Jew's d*ck, then he's snorting coke with the ass-faced hag while he's trying to steer his plane, and he parks it in the ocean.
"And poor f*ck*ng Tom Cruise (People 1990)." Mr. Gibson continued. "That c*cks*ck*r's wiftier than a shithouse rat. If Scientology provided half the self-knowledge that ol' Cruiser says it does, he'd know he was a fudge packer, and he'd come out of the f*ck*ng closet, where he's been slipping the salami to John Travolta."
Among the other examples of "that f*ck*ng People magazine curse" cited by Mr. Gibson in his forty-two-page statement were "total has-beens" like Mark Harmon (1986), Harry Hamlin (1987), and Patrick Swayze (1991); Nick Nolte (1992), "who looks like a fat chick wearing a land mine sat on his face"; Richard Gere (1993, 1999), "who turned his large intestine into a habitrail"; and Jude Law (2004), "who hasn't seen his pecker since he won that f*ck*ng award."
In related news, Brad Pitt, winner of People's sexiest-man-alive award in 1995 and 2000, announced that he is returning his awards in order to focus attention on Third World debt relief.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
