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Al Gore Believes Son's Arrest Will Launch Dynasty
Jul 31, 2007, 09:10
Al Gore is hoping that his family adds gravitas to his campaign if he runs.
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Former Vice President Al Gore announced today that he believes the guilty plea entered by his son, Al III, yesterday is the kick-start the Gore family needs to become an American political dynasty like the Bushes and the Kennedys.
Mr. Gore's son, 24, pleaded guilty to two felony counts of drug possession, two misdemeanor counts of drug possession without a prescription, and one misdemeanor count of marijuana possession. The charges stemmed from his early July arrest in Orange County, California, where he allegedly was driving one hundred miles per hour in a Prius.
"In today's political climate you can't hope to be the country's first family without a number of arrests and deaths," said the elder Gore.
"The Kennedys have a huge head start, and the Bushes a healthy advantage. All I've got so far is an older sister who died of lung cancer in 1984, but with this guilty plea, which sounds pretty darn impressive to me, we have thrown our family's hat into the ring."
A source close to the Gore family said the vice president hopes his three daughters— Karenna, 33, Kristin, 30, and Sarah, 28—will put their hats, or perhaps their undergarments, into the ring as well. Indeed, said the source, Gore family strategists have already met with Kristen to encourage her to have an affair and subsequently a child, preferably with a reality show star "of questionable ethnicity."
Al Gore III rocks the postmodern Peter Fonda Easy Rider look.
The Gores have also been putting pressure on newlywed daughter, Sarah.
"Whenever I talk to my parents, they're always 'why can't you be more like Lindsay, why can't you dress like Britney?'" she said. "Every time I go to our family's vacation home, I get up in the morning and my underwear is missing."
A Gore family spokesperson said that Sarah is "just being rebellious," and her parents fully expect her to be photographed naked in an alley with a needle in her arm by Christmas.
"Nothing could make a dad happier," the former vice president said.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
