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God Announces Recall of Entire Human Race
Oct 24, 2009, 08:51
MORGANTON, W.V. - In what business analysts are calling a move unprecedented in the history of manufacturing, God announced yesterday the immediate recall of all currently functioning human beings. The action came after centuries of complaints to God by human beings who have long contended that something was seriously wrong with the human race.
Observers said the direct heaven-to-earth announcement came as "a booming sound that echoed like the voice of God." The clearest reports came from various elevated parts of West Virginia, oceanside on the Eastern Shore of Virginia, and midtown Chapel Hill in North Carolina.
According to historians, the many previous attempts by God to repair humanity since the Noachim Flood, all of which have failed, consisted of operating system patches, downloadable software upgrades, and revisions of the owner's manual. None of these fixes, said the experts, had ever been correctly or systematically applied.
In the announcement God categorically denied that the recall was the result of a manufacturer's defect.
As one legal analyst noted, "While there is little record of mankind ever operating properly, it is also true that no human has ever been operated according to any of the manufacturer's instructions."
"I think we can safely say that the warranty on human beings is universally void," a product liability specialist added.
Despite this, God declared that He has extended the grace period for returns far beyond what is called for by law, offering it to all persons who admit a failure to operate according to design specifications and who promise that future operation will adhere to manufacturer's guidelines. God also said He will personally bear the costs of restoration for each and every individual accepting this offer.
"This is certainly good news to the average person, who will get an entirely new human nature at no cost to himself or herself," said one consumer advocate.
Despite the unprecedented generosity of the offer, it has been greeted with resistance and skepticism in many quarters.
"I don't see any need to respond to 'voices from heaven' telling me how to live my life," said a guy named Bob from Corvallis, Oregon. "Sounds a whole lot like what my parents used to yell to me from upstairs before I moved out to my own place," he added.
In the announcement God said that there was no point in repairing recalled individuals who will not check off on the new operating system agreement, so, regrettably, they will be destroyed.
Most of the world's religions have convened assemblies, conventions, or discussion groups to consider "God's offer." Longtime observers of religion expect most of the groups to reject the offer outright and the remaining few to make counteroffers that require God to let them write the new operating manual.
Worldwide surveys are in the planning to determine why many people did not hear the announcement. Anecdotal reports indicate that most self-described atheists heard nothing comprehensible. As one Californian reported, "It sounded like thunder to me." Substantial numbers of people whose hearing has been impaired listening to loud rock music heard only muffled and indistinguishable sounds. In many parts of the world incessant gunfire and bomb explosions kept anyone from hearing the announcement at all.
The largest group of people who did not receive the announcement said they could not hear it over pervasive religious chanting.
In other news, Amazon.com announced that the Left Behind series of twelve novels, which has ridden the top of the company's best seller list for years and has sold more than seventy million copies worldwide, has stopped selling altogether. On that news the company's stock dropped $7.33 to finish at $26.26, one half of its fifty-two-week high, and its lowest closing price since early 2003.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
