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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Jennifer Aniston Says Brad Pitt Is Gay Aug 3, 2005 - 6:29
HOLLYWOOD - In her first interview since her breakup with Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston told Vanity Fair she was initially "dumbfounded" when she saw photographs of Pitt with his hair dyed "a really gay blond" shortly after the couple had split. Aniston said she recalled thinking, "Ohmigod, he didn't waste any time coming out, did he?"
According to Aniston, she had suspected for some time that all was not "on the straight and narrow" with Pitt's sexual preferences. While refusing to go into detail, Aniston confessed that Pitt wanted her "to dress up like a man" when the couple had sex. Aniston said she tried to accommodate Pitt at first, but "some of the things he wanted me to wear were quite uncomfortable—not to mention ridiculous looking.
"I didn't mind the Village People and Barbra Streisand CDs, or watching that Kevin Kline movie about the gay high school teacher over and over," said Aniston, "but the accessories were over the top."
Aniston said she finally complained to Pitt about those "accessories," but he told her if she didn't want to "play ball" with him, he would find someone else who would.
"I thought he was bluffing at first," said Aniston, "and that his so-called 'attraction' to Angelina Jolie was just an attempt to gain leverage in our relationship. The next thing I knew, he was photographed playing house with her and visiting a known gay beach in Africa. That really hurt."
Although Aniston struggled to maintain a brave facade in the Vanity Fair interview, she broke down twice during the three-hour session. The first time was when she described her reaction to Pitt's new hair color. The second time was when she recalled her feelings upon realizing that Pitt had contracted AIDS.
"That story about Brad being hospitalized with viral meningitis didn't fool me," said Aniston. "I know what that's code for."
Aniston said that even before she learned about "Brad's medical condition," she had forgiven Pitt and felt no animosity toward him.
"If he found someone willing to do things I was uncomfortable doing, more power to him—and to her. I will always love Brad, funny accessories and all."
Pitt, who is currently vacationing on Fire Island with Angelina Jolie, could not be reached for comment about Aniston's interview. Pitt's spokeswoman, Cindy Guagenti, issued a terse statement saying Aniston is "seriously delusional if she thinks Brad Pitt is gay, even though there's nothing wrong with being gay, of course. Indeed, Brad remains sincerely grateful for the support of his legions of gay fans."
In related news, Brad Pitt is reported to have purchased an ocean-front condominium in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, a favorite playground destination for members of the Washington, D.C. gay community.
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).