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Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Herein your fearless editor in briefs, who was deplorable long before deplorable was a meme, holds forth, but seldom holds his tongue, on a variety of topics ranging from the politicalization of sports to the emasculation of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to the reasons for the sudden prominence of white-interest™ movements to whatever fickles his nancy. You can check in any time you like, but come prepared to stay. Previous topics include, but are not limited to:
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Jennifer Aniston Says Brad Pitt Is Gay Aug 3, 2005 - 6:29
HOLLYWOOD - In her first interview since her breakup with Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston told Vanity Fair she was initially "dumbfounded" when she saw photographs of Pitt with his hair dyed "a really gay blond" shortly after the couple had split. Aniston said she recalled thinking, "Ohmigod, he didn't waste any time coming out, did he?"
According to Aniston, she had suspected for some time that all was not "on the straight and narrow" with Pitt's sexual preferences. While refusing to go into detail, Aniston confessed that Pitt wanted her "to dress up like a man" when the couple had sex. Aniston said she tried to accommodate Pitt at first, but "some of the things he wanted me to wear were quite uncomfortable—not to mention ridiculous looking.
"I didn't mind the Village People and Barbra Streisand CDs, or watching that Kevin Kline movie about the gay high school teacher over and over," said Aniston, "but the accessories were over the top."
Aniston said she finally complained to Pitt about those "accessories," but he told her if she didn't want to "play ball" with him, he would find someone else who would.
"I thought he was bluffing at first," said Aniston, "and that his so-called 'attraction' to Angelina Jolie was just an attempt to gain leverage in our relationship. The next thing I knew, he was photographed playing house with her and visiting a known gay beach in Africa. That really hurt."
Although Aniston struggled to maintain a brave facade in the Vanity Fair interview, she broke down twice during the three-hour session. The first time was when she described her reaction to Pitt's new hair color. The second time was when she recalled her feelings upon realizing that Pitt had contracted AIDS.
"That story about Brad being hospitalized with viral meningitis didn't fool me," said Aniston. "I know what that's code for."
Aniston said that even before she learned about "Brad's medical condition," she had forgiven Pitt and felt no animosity toward him.
"If he found someone willing to do things I was uncomfortable doing, more power to him—and to her. I will always love Brad, funny accessories and all."
Pitt, who is currently vacationing on Fire Island with Angelina Jolie, could not be reached for comment about Aniston's interview. Pitt's spokeswoman, Cindy Guagenti, issued a terse statement saying Aniston is "seriously delusional if she thinks Brad Pitt is gay, even though there's nothing wrong with being gay, of course. Indeed, Brad remains sincerely grateful for the support of his legions of gay fans."
In related news, Brad Pitt is reported to have purchased an ocean-front condominium in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, a favorite playground destination for members of the Washington, D.C. gay community.
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with different signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you're always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe—especially if that appliance is hissing or emiting sparks.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren't standard equipment on most Chef John blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election is caught on a live mic calling the head of the school board a cunt.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever an Elvis sighting is immanent, say, at a Popeyes or Krispy Kremes.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there's no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there's a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn't time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington's iron.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crockpot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crockpot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): The Katy Perry iPod rocks the Gemini world with high-production-values sensitivity. An 8-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Cancerians owe their clear skin to the Digital Electronic Cold Sore Eliminator. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Those walking STD incubators Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer swear by theirs. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Portable, battery-operated desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West—a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend's, without his.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—a Dual-Action Reading Light and Self-Cleaning Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): David Chang Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Why overdose on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce when you can knit one and purl two while you're waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The Lidia Bastianich Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies your passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
The Gift of GAB
Fuck those Twitter girly men and pearl clutchers. They banned all the cool kids like Milo, so all the cool kids are matriculating to GAB, where free spech matters.
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