You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Rush Limbaugh Says Donovan McNabb Coddled by Philly Press
Aug 3, 2007, 08:57
NEW YORK - According to Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb is being protected by the Philadelphia press, which has orchestrated "a shameful and concerted news blackout" of remarks Mr. McNabb made about Michael Vick to the Washington Post and other news sources.
In the Post interview, published two days ago, Mr. McNabb declared, "I'm a supporter of Vick." Mr. McNabb repeated variations on that theme to AOL News and to New Jersey's Cherry Hill Courier Post; yet no one from the Philadelphia Inquirer has mentioned Mr. McNabb's remarks, and Rush Limbaugh thinks he knows why.
"If some little podunk newspaper from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, a city that is basically a shopping mall and a handful of chain restaurants, gets McNabb to reveal his support for Michael Vick and dog fighting, where's the vaunted, self-congratulatory Philadelphia Inquirer?" demanded Mr. Limbaugh, who sees a conspiracy to protect Mr. McNabb "from his own stupidity" in the alleged Philadelphia news blackout.
"As I said a while back," Mr. Limbaugh continued, "sports writers, especially those glorified hacks in Philadelphia, have a vested interest in seeing black quarterbacks succeed. Now it appears that Philadelphia reporters have a vested interest in seeing that black athletes' attitudes toward animals—that animals are essentially our slaves—are hidden from public view."
In the Washington Post interview, Mr. McNabb went on to say, "Now, I don't know exactly what happened in that situation, and I think for all of us that have read over the stuff that was over the Internet, the report, you look at it as kind of like, 'Wow, you've got your so-called friends and family members turning their back on you now to make their situation better.' They're throwing you under the bus so that they can clean their name."
"Hey, Dogg, fight's on at my crib next month. You down?"
"That's amazing, simply amazing," said Mr. Limbaugh. "You'd have to have the IQ of a frog to say something that stupid. What 'report' did Donovan read—or have read to him, most likely? It couldn't have been 'kind of like' the federal indictment. Donovan hasn't read that many pages in his entire life.
"McNabb's implied support of dog fighting is disgusting, and so is the Philadelphia Inquirer's cover up. I challenge the so-called sports reporters for that rag to ask Donovan McNabb to defend his pro-Vick statements. Those same reporters give Number Five space to take shots at Jeff Garcia, who ought to be the Eagles starting quarterback today, but for the fact that he's white. It's time for those reporters prove whose payroll they're on."
Tonight on Larry King Live: O.J. Simpson explains why white people "just don't get it" about dog fighting.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.