Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
HOLLYWOOD - Brad Pitt is expected to announce on Meet the Press Sunday the impending launch of Bradgelina 2.0, the updated version of his wildly popular rumors hotline. Beginning at 9:00 a.m. (EDST) on Thursday August 11, concerned Pitt fans who dial 1-900-NOT-TRUE will be able to hear Pitt deny in his own voice an entire new set of rumors being circulated about him and Angelina Jolie.
The updated version of the Bradgelina Hotline will be rolled out four months to the date after the rumor hotline was introduced. The new version was necessitated by the increase in the number of rumors being generated about one of Hollywood's hottest couples since Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan.
"Frankly," said Pitt's publicist, Cindy Guagenti, "some of the rumors Brad has been denying have gotten a little long in the tooth—the rumor about Brad and Angelina spending Easter weekend together at a posh resort while doing publicity for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, for example. With new rumors about Brad and Angelina being generated constantly, Brad felt it was time for an update."
Guagenti took pains to point out that even though the rumors being denied on the hotline are all new, the price per call will remain 49 cents a minute, billed automatically to the telephone number from which a call is made. This ensures that the Bradgelina Hotline "will continue to represent a great bargain for Brad's and Angelina's fans everywhere."
We didn't start the fire.
As before, persons calling 1-900-NOT-TRUE will be greeted by a cheerful message from Pitt himself. "Thank you for calling the Bradgelina Rumor Hotline," says Pitt's voice in a bright, lifelike greeting. "Because your call is important to us, we have installed the following menu to help facilitate the denial of your favorite rumor. Please say or make your selection carefully. For your protection your call may be monitored or recorded. Be sure to listen carefully before choosing the rumor you wish to hear me deny.
"To listen to the menu in Spanish, press 1. To hear me deny that I had sex with Angelina on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith while I was still living with Jennifer Aniston, press 2. To hear me deny that Angelina and I are living together in the biblical sense now, press 3. To hear me deny that I bleached my hair because I wanted to look like Billy Idol, press 4. To hear me deny that I paid Angelina's adopted son, Maddox, to call me 'Daddy,' press 5. To hear me deny that I have AIDS, press 6. To hear me deny that I quit smoking because Angelina wouldn't sleep with me unless I did, press 7. To hear me deny rumors you haven't even heard yet, press 8."
Pitt's novel approach to combating rumors is being watched closely by other celebrities. "If this works, I'm going to start a hotline of my own," said Lindsay Lohan. "It's about time we turned the tables on magazines that make up all this [crap] about us."
In related news, Britney Spears has announced that she plans to copyright the term "false tabloids," which she first used in an Atlantic Monthly essay to condemn tabloids that print untrue stories about celebrities.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
