Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Jackson Jury Told The Aristocrats Joke
Aug 6, 2005, 12:02
NEW YORK - Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman, two jurors who voted to acquit Michael Jackson of child molestation charges earlier this year, have admitted that while the members of the jury were supposed to be considering the merits of the charges against Jackson, they were making up versions of "The Aristocrats" joke instead.
Widely reputed to be the most offensive joke ever told, The Aristocrats begins with a person walking into a talent scout's office and saying, "I've got this terrific act I know you're gonna love."
"What kind of act?" the talent scout asks.
"This guy walks onstage, takes off all his clothes" the person begins then reels off a litany of behaviors that includes the worst sorts of perversions imaginable and unimaginable. These deviant acts are performed by the aforementioned guy who walked onstage and assorted members of his family.
"Whoa," says the talent scout. "That's unbelievable. What do you call this act?"
"The Aristocrats."
According to Stacy Brown, co-author of Michael Jackson: The Man Behind The Mask, Cook and Hultman described the jurors' Aristocrats jokes during a meeting with Brown. Both Cook and Hultman are seeking Brown's help in writing tell-all books about their experiences on the Jackson jury.
Cook, 79, told Brown that The Aristocrats jokes began the first day of deliberations. About half an hour after jurors had begun discussing the mountain of testimony facing them, one juror, a 63-year-old, blind, retired 911 operator, who listed his hobbies as watching television, Braille cooking, and talking to his dead wife, asked if anybody had heard The Aristocrats joke.
Hultman, 62, told Brown that several jurors "laughed their [butts] off" while others didn't know what the first juror was talking about.
Another juror, a 44-year-old magician who once made ex-California governor Gray Davis disappear, explained the joke for the benefit of the jurors who had never heard it. Two of those jurors were really grossed out, said Hultman, "but that 50-year-old woman who trains ponies for children's birthday parties and the adult entertainment industry thought it was a hoot. She started making up her own version of the joke, substituting members of the Jackson family for The Aristocrats. She was talking about Janet's wardrobe malfunction, Tito's affection for his goat, and worse."
After the pony trainer had finished her joke, which began "This eight-year-old walks into Neverland," somebody suggested that instead of discussing the evidence, the jurors have a contest to see who could come up with the funniest The Jacksons joke.
"And that's what we did for seven days," said Cook. "Even the people who hadn't liked The Aristocrats at first joined in by the end."
Clark explained that each juror had half a day to tell his or her version of The Jacksons. That schedule took up days two through six of deliberations. On the seventh day the jury voted for the winner of The Jacksons competition. After the winner had been declared, a 39-year-old woman juror who had been voted "most likely to get jury duty in a celebrity trial" by her GED class last year, asked the other jurors what they "wanted to do about Michael."
"I say acquit the poor bastard," said a 22-year-old mother of five employed as a cook at Taco Bell who wants her children to be in "cho bidness."
"Yeah," added a 51-year-old woman who works as a computer programmer for the North American Man-Boy Love Association. "He's probably guilty, but I can't stand that bitch [the mother of Jackson's accuser]."
With that, said Cook, the jury sent its verdict to the judge, along with a "gag note" for the judge to read. In the note the jury said they had felt "the weight of the world's eyes upon us all" and, therefore, had "thoroughly and meticulously" studied all the evidence.
In related news, bumper stickers that read "At least nobody ever died at Neverland" have begun appearing in Orlando, Florida.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
