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God Chides President Bush Over Intelligent Design
Aug 7, 2005, 09:07
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a statement faxed to the editor of US Weekly magazine, God chided President George W. Bush for using the theory of intelligent design "to suck up to people who claim they speak for me or, worse yet, people who claim that I have spoken directly to them."
God explained that He had chosen the popular celebrity magazine as the forum in which to speak because "celebrity is the new religion in America." Then he proceeded to criticize the president's belief that the theory of intelligent design should be taught alongside Darwin's theory of evolution in schools.
"Darwin's theory is a rational attempt at understanding and explaining the workings of the universe," wrote God. "It's one of the more significant intellectual achievements of mankind. The intelligent design theory, on the other hand, consists of five words: God must have done it. How much teaching does that require? It isn't exactly rocket science."
In God's judgment "the theory of intelligent design is often the first resort of people who are too lazy to think a problem through for themselves." What's more, he argued, intelligent design "falls apart like a cheap thong" if it's applied to the war in Iraq, the Dukes of Hazard movie, Kevin Federline Spears, Alexander, or the entire cast of Viva La Bam.
"Intelligent design shouldn't have to take the rap for those follies," wrote God. "In fact, I resent people trying to lay those trips on me. I much prefer Darwin's theory because it explains the occasional cold sore on the red carpet of life without editorializing."
No sooner had God issued his rebuke of President Bush, than Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) hastened to align himself with his alleged creator. Santorum issued a press release saying that intelligent design "lacked scientific credibility and should not be taught in science classes."
Not surprisingly, Santorum was attacked by Christian fanatics who took time from their fervent demonizing of Bill Frist (R-TN) to remind Santorum that in a CBS poll conducted last November, two out of three Americans said they wanted creationism taught alongside evolution in schools.
"That's what makes the senator's position so genuine," said one Santorum aide. "It's easy for God to trash intelligent design. God isn't running for re-election."
In other news, God reported that the Verizon caller id package He had installed a few months ago has "significantly decreased" the number of annoying, superficial prayer requests, particularly from sports fans.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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