You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Lily Allen's Work Visa Revoked, Foot-in-Mouth Disease Feared
Aug 9, 2007, 07:46
Do not try this at home.
LOS ANGELES - Lily Allen's work visa was confiscated Sunday after the British pop star had failed a foot-in-mouth-disease screening test administered at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). She had traveled to the United States to co-host the MTV Music Awards and to play a series of concerts beginning in September.
Immigration officials at LAX, aware that Ms. Allen had bitten a photographer in London earlier this year, stopped her for questioning. When her answers became increasingly incoherent—and her examiners noticed that two of her udders appeared to be frightfully swollen—they summoned a veterinary expert, who gave Ms. Allen a thorough examination. As a result, authorities decided to revoke her work visa.
"I have no idea why I was singled out for such treatment," said Ms. Allen in a statement released by her record company.
"The whole experience was distressing, particularly the large colon examination. I'm not used to having strangers going elbow-deep in my bum. You have no idea how embarrassing that can be."
Foot-in-mouth disease is a zoonosis—a disease of animals that is communicable to humans. It crosses the species barrier with difficulty and "with little effect," according to an editorial on one medical website.
"Nevertheless, we thought it best to keep Ms. Allen away from large herds of people such as one regularly sees in concert halls and arenas," said Ronald Carson, chief veterinary inspector at LAX.
Lily Allen claims that she was only attempting to demonstrate that she does, indeed, wear panties.
Because foot-in-mouth disease is rare in humans, said Dr. Carson, not much is known about how they are affected by it. He fears, however, that the "little effect" attributed to foot-and-mouth disease in humans could become a big effect when the disease infects someone who abuses alcohol and exhibits erratic behavior, as Ms. Allen does.
Her decision to quit her last American tour abruptly because was bored and wanted to get back into the studio is an indication, said Dr. Carson, that foot-in-mouth disease may have been nibbling at Ms. Allen's brain for some time. What's more, after being passed over for best breakthrough act at this year's Brit awards ceremony, she began verbally abusing the Fratellis, the band that took the award.
Foot-in-mouth disease is contracted from eating the flesh of an infected animal. In addition, there is some thought that the disease can be spread through sexual contact in humans.
"Therefore," said Dr. Carson, "we are going to offer free testing for Ms. Allen's sexual partners in San Francisco, Denver, New York, Indianapolis, and London.
Several of Lily Allen's sexual partners await foot-in-mouth-disease testing.
Persons for whom it would be inconvenient to utilize one of these testing centers should visit www.lilyallenchain.edu and order a free home testing kit. In the meantime, Dr. Carson is urging anyone who was had sexual contact with Lily Allen during the last three years to refrain from having sex, even with themselves, until they have been tested and declared fit.
As for Ms. Allen, she was issued a Class B Tourist Visa that allows her to remain in the United States for seven days as long as she spends that time in "relative isolation." She is currently holed up in the boarding kennel of an exclusive Los Angeles-area hotel. She will be flown to her native England later this week.
Tonight on Larry King Live: The all-natural supplement that prevents the spread of foot-in-mouth disease in humans.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
