Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Julia Roberts Retiring Suit Against Her Breasts
Aug 12, 2005, 06:56
TAOS, N.M. - Julia Roberts has quietly dropped a landmark civil lawsuit she had filed against her breasts. The suit, filed in Taos Municipal Court in late March, charged that Roberts' hooters, which had grown from a 34-B to a 38-D since she gave birth to twins last year, not only inflicted personal hardship and misery but also constituted a material infringement on her ability to pursue her art. Worse yet, they made finding a suitable dress for this year's Oscars almost impossible.
Roberts, who will be starring in her first Broadway play next year, had been seeking damages in excess of $100 million. Had she been successful in her suit, Lloyds of London, with whom her breasts are insured, would most likely have been responsible for payment.
"My breasts are a moot point now that I'll be retiring from acting next year," said Roberts, who recently appeared with her breasts in a Dave Matthews Band music video.
Roberts, who had brought the suit against her breasts because she "could no longer cope with them," had also sought a restraining order, asking the court to enjoin her breasts from coming any closer than six inches to her chin when she jogs.
"I thought the enhancement was amusing at first," said Roberts in a tearful phone interview to be broadcast on the Oprah show next week. "But the more Simon and Garfunkle grew, the more self-conscious I became."
Simon and Garfunkle, Roberts explained, are her pet names for her breasts. The names should not be confused, she said, with Phinnaeus and Hazel, her pet names for her twins, who had been named as co-defendants in her suit.
Julia Roberts and the special support pillow on which she and her breasts sleep.
Under New Mexico law Roberts' breasts were entitled to representation. Because they have no visible means of support, apart from a few underwire bras, they were represented by public defender Rosario Santos-Allen. A recent graduate of Melvin Belli Correspondence Law School, Santos-Allen told reporters she was gratified that "Ms. Roberts had decided to drop the suit and to let the [breasts] fall where they may. This is a red letter day for breasts everywhere."
According to Robert J. Grey Jr., president of the American Bar Association, "There was a precedence for Roberts' suit. In Penis vs. Howard Stern, the plaintiff, citing extreme performance anxiety, was successful in getting its owner to stop making jokes about it in public. In addition, Mr. Stern was forbidden any unsupervised social contact with his penis for a period of six months."
The Roberts vs. Simon & Garfunkle case had been scheduled for broadcast by Court TV, whose anchor, Nancy Grace, had already declared the breasts guilty. Jennifer Aniston, whose reluctance to have children for fear of ruining her figure was blamed for the breakup of her marriage to Brad Pitt, was expected to testify on Roberts' behalf. Santos-Allen had planned to call the breasts of other celebrities—including Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and a pregnant Britney Spears—to testify for her clients.
In related news, Jennifer Lopez is rumored to be close to filing criminal charges against her ass for stalking her.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
