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UN Resolution Asks Bono to End Lebanon Conflict
Aug 12, 2006 - 9:21
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SUDETENLAND, Czech Republic - The United Nations has turned to Bono to end the crisis in Lebanon. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan introduced the Irish rock star, humanitarian, political activist, and partial person-of-the-year at the opening of the International Conference for Peace in Our Time yesterday.

"The media have not been helpful in this, I must say," said Bono. His media analysis, he noted, has shown that the Washington Post and Reuters have lined up behind Hizbollah while the BBC, Newsweek and Fox favor Hezballah, with free-thinking Time, alone among major media, holding on to Hizballah.

Nomenclature expert Elizbeth Toliver, Ph.D., of Yale University's Shirley Ellis Institute on Disambiguation said that Hizbollah, Hezballah, Hizballah itself has been of no assistance in ending the crisis, continuing to write its name in a squiggly script that is difficult to read.

"Without consensus, there will never be peace in the region," warned Bono. "How can Israel sign a peace accord if it doesn't know the name of its enemy? Israel could make a peace agreement with Hizbollah one day only to have Hezballah attack it the next. That would not be a lasting peace."

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Bono's proposal to end the confusion centers on a Live-8-like concert that will focus on the horrors of name calling. The international media event will be called "One Name, One Voice, One World," and is to be staged at Qana on the border between Lebanon and Israel. Bono is also composing a special song for the night titled "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing in Perfect Harmony."

Bono is asking Hizbollah, Hezballah, Hizballah—in addition to deciding how it wants its name listed on the program—to donate Katyusha rockets to be used in building a bandstand for the event. The Israeli air force has already agreed to provide lighting for the twilight concert.

So far preparations have gone well—Cher, Prince, Flea, Madonna, Sting, Hammer, Morrissey, and Beyoncé have agreed to perform—but the absence of grass in Lebanon is hampering the selection of a proper staging area for the event's finale, an innovative group sing of Bono's new composition that will conclude with a spectacular fireworks display.

In related news, the International Conference for Peace in Our Time ended on a pleasant but realistic note. Delegates were shown a digitally remastered video of historical footage in which George Gershwin sang a duet with then British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, giving what sounded like the best advice of the day, "Hizbollah, Hezballah, let's call the whole thing off."

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