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Exodus International Touts Turnaround for Homosexual Priests
Aug 16, 2007, 10:44
ORLANDO, Florida - Exodus International, the Christian evangelical fellowship renowned for its success in turning gays and lesbians into "socially useful" heterosexuals, announced yesterday that a group of more than one thousand gay men has turned "effectively heterosexual" as a result of the ex-gay therapy promoted by Exodus.
"We produced a nearly 100-percent success rate—or should I say 'a 180-degree success rate'—in turning these formerly gay men into complete, full-blooded, healthy heterosexuals," reports Exodus' President and CEO Alan Chambers.
Chambers explained that Exodus' therapy involves "complete withdrawal" from any man-boy contact whatsoever, coupled with "immersion therapy" with members of the opposite sex.
"After separating the homosexual priests from the boys, we placed those priests in the constant presence of various Girl Scout and Brownie troops. The results were astounding. Eighty-two percent of the priests, through the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ, eventually made some sort of sexual advance toward the girls. Granted, the majority of those advances involved anal intercourse or fellatio, but who's going to stare a gift horse in the mouth?"
Of the remaining priests, said Chambers, one half displayed signs of psychosexual eating disorders involving Girl Scout marshmallow puffs; one quarter became cross-dressers, and one quarter became Exodus re-programmers.
Chambers was at pains to point out that with so many young women taking virginity pledges, incidents of anal intercourse and fellatio are "commonplace, even among heterosexuals" today.
The Vatican's reaction to the Exodus project was over the moon.
"This has the potential to re-energize the heterosexual priesthood," exclaimed Vatican spokesman Fr. Gianni Ricardoni.
Fr. Ricardoni reported that Pope Benedict XVI is "very pleased with these outcomes" and will soon formally recommend replacing the Cardinal Bernard Law Altar Boy of the Month calendar with an altar girl of the month edition. This recommendation will appear in a decree set forth in an upcoming papal letter titled Effercio Rectorum Nostra (Fill Up Our Rectories).
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
