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Madonna Recovering Accent after Riding Fall
Aug 17, 2005 - 9:18
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TOLLARD ROYAL - Lady Madonna Louise Ciccone is recovering her British accent "quite nicely, thank you," said a spokeswoman for the American singer turned faux aristocrat.

Lady Madonna temporarily lost her accent—in addition to cracking three ribs and breaking her collarbone and her hand—when she fell while riding on the 1,200-acre grounds of Ashcombe House, her country residence in the village of Tollard Royal on the Wiltshire-Dorset border. Lady Madonna, who turned forty-seven yesterday, was attempting to post the trot around a corner when her cell phone rang, causing her pony to break into a gallop.

Doctors feared the singer had suffered a concussion because she was cursing mightily in a lower-middle-class American accent when she arrived in hospital.

"Her accent and vocabulary choices were indicative of a concussion, which often causes a person to revert to type linguistically," said Trevor Bidwell, MB BChir, in clipped upper-class tones.

Based on that diagnosis, Dr. Bidwell thought Lady Madonna should he held overnight for observation. When she was taken to a private suite usually reserved for members of the royal family, however, Lady Madonna exclaimed, "I'm right chuffed to be in such a posh setting."

"We knew then we were out of the woods," said Dr. Bidwell. "We decided that the best thing for Lady Madonna's accent was bed rest and the two Bridget Jones movies."

Lady Madonna acquired a British accent several years ago shortly after she had begun dating Guy Ritchie, director of the hit London gangster movie Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Although their movie collaboration Swept Away is considered one of the worst movies ever made, Lady Madonna's British accent has been somewhat better received by her neighbors in Tollard Royal.


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Yesterday's Papers
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We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.

1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).

2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").

3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).

4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).

5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.

6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).

7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).

8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).

9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).

10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).

11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).

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